To T, my biggest influence.

T,

I have debated writing something like this for a long time.

  • Couldn’t quite get my thoughts together.
  • Thought it might be kinda pathetic.
  • Might think I’m weak.
  • Or didn’t have the time.

Whichever option you choose to pick.

Quick question:

-Do you ever feel like a glorified babysitter?

-A ring leader at a circus?

I can see it now, standing in the middle of a flaming clusterfuck, head spinning a thousand miles an hour. Holding a flaming ring you are expected to jump through. Being torn in a thousand different ways.

                                                                                The dietitian needs you.

          Sally is refusing to eat.                                                                   Jill just threw up.

The director (what is her actual title anyway??) needs to see you.

                                                                                                                Phone is ringing.

                                Sue needs to talk to you.

Let’s reminisce for a second, because there was (more specifically) all of the hell I put you through.

Remember the time(s):

-You stood up to my mom for me?

-Sat on the kitchen floor to therapize me?

-The multiple times I threw up.

-When I would go hide on top of the shed, or on my perch.

-When I was gone for like an hour on my run.

-The time you thought I just left, because I missed snack and was on my perch.

-The night I called you crying over pizza.

-My self harm issues.

-Come to Jesus meeting(s).

-My smart mouth.

That could be it’s own post.

-Having to take me to the hospital.

-Watching you cry.

-The night B and I snuck out and stole that flamingo.

-(Oh, btw, the crayon splatters in the downstairs bathroom, to the right of the mirror. That was me too. I was trying to be artsy fartsy….)

-All of my ungodly honesty.

-Let’s not forget my concealed.

Also, some of my journal excerpts:

                12/11/14

                                “I hurried to the kitchen where I was told T was looking for me. “Oh Shit.” I thought.”

                12/16/14

                                “Then came group with T. We talked about feelings and safe places, she seemed to focus in on me for a while. I avoided and deflected for as long as I could.”

                12/23/14

                                “So, that’s about it. I had a melt down in T’s office about how everything is being taken away from me.”

                12/24/14

                                “After yoga I was informed I had to call T before snack-shit! The phone rang and rang I was so nervous. She answered, my heart dropped, she said she heard I had a rough breakfast and refused an Ensure.”

                12/26/14

                                “T asked me to come down off the roof, I tossed my journal and watched it fall, then climbed down. T handed me my journal and I followed her to her office.”

                12/27/14

                                “I was up tossing and turning at 2:30. The conversation between T and I played over and over in my head. ‘If you aren’t ready for you, do it for your sister.’ ‘Crying would have been better than purging.’.”

                12/31/14

                                “T began to cry. I began to get mad. ‘K goes to the hospital, she gets to stay. M refuses to eat, she gets to stay. C practically gives you the finger…. ‘You have made amazing strides and progress…’ ‘….not good enough!!’ I cut in between sobs.”

                1/10/2015

                                “The next thing I know, I’m eating my left over, clenching a frozen orange, and hearing the words: Talk, T and Consequences. Strung together in an anxiety provoking sentence.”

                1/11/2015

                                “T complimented me on what I did do right over pass. I began to cry and looked away. I admitted I went on a run, she had known something was up.”

                1/16/15

                                “T is so freaking great, she works her ass off for us and is just such an amazing lady.”

                1/28/15

                                “Shopping was just awful- some young vegan telling me what to do, then a brand new girl disrespecting T and talking down to her…Oh hell no!”

                2/5/15

                                “Feeling guilty. Skipped dairy with lunch, didn’t add extra fruit since I ran. Skipped fat with snack.      Came clean about the restriction, T made me drink an Ensure.”

                2/9/15

                                “I felt so discouraged hearing T’s motherly tone come out when I said I went to the guy for 2 hours. ‘What part of you thought that was ok??’”

                2/18/15

                                “T grabbed the letter from the back and began to read it silently. She rolled her eyes and I could tell she wasn’t exactly thrilled. T read the very last bit to me out loud and told me I didn’t need to read that shit. I bawled and bawled.”

                2/19/15

                                “I cried a lot today. I went to T’s office to read the letter from mom. I called A too for support. I’m so thankful that T and A were there when I read it.”

                                “T hugged me and wouldn’t let go. I felt, well, loved and cared about. She whispered how she didn’t want me to live like this- I said me either.”

                2/20/15

                                “I got told today I was being transferred to the hospital. I bawled and bawled. I got my phone, called A and went upstairs to pack. T tried to help, I didn’t want any help. She came back up and told me she would be the one to take me to the hospital, that was the only time I felt slightly relieved. I packed everything up, told the girls bye, cried with T in her office and headed out.”

                                “T just held me as I cried, she cried, she told me this was no way to live. After arriving to the hospital, T helped me get checked in and came with me to the unit. They took my b.p and weight. T was beside me the entire time, holding my hand. They took me to my room, T sat down with me and we both began to cry.

                                3/1/15

                “T,

                I’ve written you a note before, but this is different. I can never express enough everything you have done for me. With your humor, patience and intelligence, you are an amazing person.

                I walked into Tap feeling worthless and like a complete failure from our kitchen talks, to you holding the flamingo and watching me cry.

                As much as I hate being here, I still appreciate everything you have done. I look up to you and admire your strength, determination and love.

                Having someone during this time that is practically my motherly figure and supports me, means the world to me.”

 

Anyways, these are just blips of how much of an influence you have had, not only in my recovery, but in my life.

You do so much for not just Tap in general, but for each and every woman who walks through that door. Even a year later, I have no idea why you took me under your wing, or what you saw in me, but I am forever grateful, that no matter how much I tried to push you away, you just weren’t having it.

I genuinely believe you are my biggest supporter and believe in me and what I can accomplish. Lovingly pushing me to try neurofeedback, and our amazing breakfast outtings. I admire and respect you so much and all that you do. I also know, whole heartedly, that I wouldn’t be where I am today without your love and support.

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I’m Doing Recovery and Neurofeedback

The past few weeks have been strangely different, in a good yet confusing way.

With some coaxing, reassuring, and love I gave into a few things and quit whole heartedly resisting.

My team of K & T were feeling stuck, as was I. I was half ass doing a meal plan of what I deemed acceptable and not so much of what they wanted. We felt stuck… ok now what… she is eating…kinda… still working out…. Not really following a meal plan…..

So, after talking for a while, I finally hesitantly agreed to try neurofeedback. T told me she would come with me and I was ridiculously thankful for that, otherwise I would not have gone for sure. I showed up the next morning, nauseous, pit in my stomach and knot in my throat, thinking to myself, “This is going to be the damn reason I throw up this week.” During the drive over there I received a text from T, pretty much checking that I hadn’t changed my mind last minute (Oh man was that tempting).

Honestly, I’m not even sure what kept me driving to the appointment. I didn’t have to get up that early to drive an hour for something, Why was I even going? T and I had briefly talked about this once or twice and I was not a fan. Skeptical. Nervous. Unfamiliar… I also didn’t want to go on any meds…. Once again, feeling stuck, even with K & T on my side. I didn’t want to go, I had already decided if I got there and T was nowhere to be found I was peacing out without a second thought.

Not even a mile from the appointment I got a message from T. Just a few simple words that meant so much to me, “I’m here for you… always.” The reassurance that she was supportive, cared, believes in me. I pulled into the driveway and saw T. We went into the building together and sat in the waiting room and talked. She then began to talk about regulating my mood and how I should call my doctor. Well, I did the neurofeedback, I was exhausted. It lasted maybe 12 minutes, but by the end of the day I felt like an infant, unable to keep my eyes open or my head up.

I called my doctor, had an appointment, asked about medication.

So, here I am, almost three weeks later from the first neurofeedback appointment, and almost two weeks into my medication.

When put on the spot and asked if I feel any different I curl up, shut down and just say, “I don’t think so.” Because I’m really not sure.  Lately though I’ve begun eating more in an attempt to stick to my meal plan.

I’ve noticed the relationship between some of my coworkers and I have become better (I largely think it’s because of this emotional regulation thing).

I ate at Moe’s!

I’m eating eggs again!

I’m working out still, but usually eat something afterwards.

I’ve been getting better with hitting my starch and fat exchange.

And, I’m really trying to work on this whole “normal” thing, because it is something I really want.

I’m still struggling with my body issues, and feeling like I’m a beached whale. Repulsed by my stomach and thighs. Unhappy with my weight and BMI, but I also try and remind myself I deadlifted 105 lbs and squatted 120lbs the other day.

My gratitude and love for K & T can never be fully expressed. I have some major control issues, especially when ED is raging, but overall I love and trust those two and need to fall back on that. They want to see me succeed and the unknown is terrifying, but their support is remarkable. I’ve gone from a person who couldn’t even acknowledge her emotions, never wanted anyone to come inside my space, and couldn’t muster up the courage to eat peanut butter, to somebody who looks forward to hugs from T, talks about how I’m “feeling” –whatever that is, and eats pb sandwiches to get in the starch and fat.

I’m really struggling right now with wanting to eat though, which is an unfortunate turn of events. Feeling stressed out by so many unknowns in my life. Hoping I’m just tired, or possibly hangry, but always feel like evening is the worst for me. Struggle is real!

Trust the process!