I don’t think I’ve ever really written about my faith on my blog (granted, it is called faithfoodfear). My faith, religion, relationship, has been extremely rocky at times, but He always seems to catch me. There are many times, especially when I am upset, that I cry out to God and ask Him why He is keeping me around.
Many years ago I fell in love with the Lord. I joined choir, went to Bible Studies, did my devotionals, prayed, tried to live a life reflective of Christ, I even debated seminary. I love mission trips and have a huge heart for missions, love children, and thank God for that. During my eating disorder my devotional times were replaced with trips to the gym. Church was replaced with distance runs. I was consumed with working out. I realized when the first thing I think about in the morning is when I can get my next work out in it’s a) definitely disordered and b) an idol. This was when I began to delve into what exactly idolatry was.
Anyway, I hear quite frequently that many pray for what they want and pray for selfish needs. For many many years even the concept of praying for myself was unfathomable. I would never pray for myself, I didn’t deserve it. Yeah, I preached God’s love, forgiveness, and mercy, but also deemed myself unworthy and the exception to all of this; he couldn’t love me.
I had a job interview, I took a week off from work, traveled, explored, had fun. During this time ED began to royally flare up, with the confusion, uncertainty, and stress ED used this to his advantage. I felt really good during the interview, they seemed to like me, they commented on how impressive my resume was, how soon I could start, etc. That was that. I returned home, went back to my daily life.
I was still flustered and consumed with what might be coming soon. The idea of packing up, moving 9 hours away, for a job that I may possibly hate in a week. “Breathe” I thought. It will work out. I felt confident it would happen, I mean, the way they were talking, so what do I do?
During this time I began to go deeper into God’s Word again, praying, Christian music, trying to find peace. I prayed that His will be done, if this is meant to be then please bless it, if not, then please shut this door. The Lord is good.
I received an email the other day about how they were considering another candidate for the position. I must admit, at first it stung. The ping of rejection. It was already a difficult day at work, and ED went full force, “It’s because you’re fat.” “You are such a loser.” “Oh my fucking God, you can’t do anything right can you?!” “Hah, I knew it. You suck.” It began full force.
Then it occurred to me, “I can’t pray for God’s Will to be done, then get mad when things don’t go MY way.” So, the rejection hurt, but I kept reminding myself that I trust the Lord and His plan. I figured He has something in store for me. After all, I had no complaints. I was blessed with a nice house, a good job, an amazing boss.
While scrolling through Facebook the other day, I saw a German Shepherd that was in the shelter. I tagged my mom in the post and told her I was in love. My mom and I may not always get along, that’s just normal and nature, but we both share an unexplainable love for animals. The next day someone from the shelter mentioned that she needed a foster home for about a week until she would be transferred to a shelter in New Jersey. So, my mom went and picked her up.
I came over, and fell even deeper into love. My landlords have very strict rules, and one of them is absolutely no pets. The last tenants destroyed the place, their kids, their animals. No respect for the property or anything. They had made it very clear, no animals. I was so sad, wondering what I would do, but I prayed about it, and gave it to God. Once again, figuring, I trust Him, and He will work it out.
I got home, dug into my stash of money hidden away for a rainy day and headed over to the landlord’s house, with a lump in my chest and throat. We laughed, joked and talked for a while, then hesitantly went to the topic of the day. He did not look amused, she listened tentatively. Explaining my plan about a crate during the day, runner rugs in the hallway, whatever needed to be done. With that I reached into my pocket and pulled out a big wad of cash, months worth of saving. “I’m even willing to give you a big pet deposit.” And set the money on the kitchen counter. He counted it, counted it again, surprised at the amount. I explained that was how serious I was.
He handed me back the money, and I felt a knot in my chest. “Just make sure she doesn’t tear the place up. I’m definitely going against my grain here.” I was so damn excited, still am! I went to mom’s picked her up. We went to Petsmart, she loved it, I got her a crate for when I am gone to make sure nothing happens, a big bed, a toy, treats, you name it. So, here we sit, on my bed together.
Thank you Lord for letting everything work in Your time.
Trust the Process guys!!