I have debated writing something like this for a long time.
- Couldn’t quite get my thoughts together.
- Thought it might be kinda pathetic.
- Might think I’m weak.
- Or didn’t have the time.
Whichever option you choose to pick.
-Do you ever feel like a glorified babysitter?
-A ring leader at a circus?
I can see it now, standing in the middle of a flaming clusterfuck, head spinning a thousand miles an hour. Holding a flaming ring you are expected to jump through. Being torn in a thousand different ways.
The dietitian needs you.
Sally is refusing to eat. Jill just threw up.
The director (what is her actual title anyway??) needs to see you.
Phone is ringing.
Sue needs to talk to you.
Let’s reminisce for a second, because there was (more specifically) all of the hell I put you through.
Remember the time(s):
-You stood up to my mom for me?
-Sat on the kitchen floor to therapize me?
-The multiple times I threw up.
-When I would go hide on top of the shed, or on my perch.
-When I was gone for like an hour on my run.
-The time you thought I just left, because I missed snack and was on my perch.
-The night I called you crying over pizza.
-My self harm issues.
-Come to Jesus meeting(s).
-My smart mouth.
That could be it’s own post.
-Having to take me to the hospital.
-Watching you cry.
-The night B and I snuck out and stole that flamingo.
-(Oh, btw, the crayon splatters in the downstairs bathroom, to the right of the mirror. That was me too. I was trying to be artsy fartsy….)
-All of my ungodly honesty.
-Let’s not forget my concealed.
Also, some of my journal excerpts:
“I hurried to the kitchen where I was told T was looking for me. “Oh Shit.” I thought.”
“Then came group with T. We talked about feelings and safe places, she seemed to focus in on me for a while. I avoided and deflected for as long as I could.”
“So, that’s about it. I had a melt down in T’s office about how everything is being taken away from me.”
“After yoga I was informed I had to call T before snack-shit! The phone rang and rang I was so nervous. She answered, my heart dropped, she said she heard I had a rough breakfast and refused an Ensure.”
“T asked me to come down off the roof, I tossed my journal and watched it fall, then climbed down. T handed me my journal and I followed her to her office.”
“I was up tossing and turning at 2:30. The conversation between T and I played over and over in my head. ‘If you aren’t ready for you, do it for your sister.’ ‘Crying would have been better than purging.’.”
“T began to cry. I began to get mad. ‘K goes to the hospital, she gets to stay. M refuses to eat, she gets to stay. C practically gives you the finger…. ‘You have made amazing strides and progress…’ ‘….not good enough!!’ I cut in between sobs.”
“The next thing I know, I’m eating my left over, clenching a frozen orange, and hearing the words: Talk, T and Consequences. Strung together in an anxiety provoking sentence.”
“T complimented me on what I did do right over pass. I began to cry and looked away. I admitted I went on a run, she had known something was up.”
“T is so freaking great, she works her ass off for us and is just such an amazing lady.”
“Shopping was just awful- some young vegan telling me what to do, then a brand new girl disrespecting T and talking down to her…Oh hell no!”
“Feeling guilty. Skipped dairy with lunch, didn’t add extra fruit since I ran. Skipped fat with snack. Came clean about the restriction, T made me drink an Ensure.”
“I felt so discouraged hearing T’s motherly tone come out when I said I went to the guy for 2 hours. ‘What part of you thought that was ok??’”
“T grabbed the letter from the back and began to read it silently. She rolled her eyes and I could tell she wasn’t exactly thrilled. T read the very last bit to me out loud and told me I didn’t need to read that shit. I bawled and bawled.”
“I cried a lot today. I went to T’s office to read the letter from mom. I called A too for support. I’m so thankful that T and A were there when I read it.”
“T hugged me and wouldn’t let go. I felt, well, loved and cared about. She whispered how she didn’t want me to live like this- I said me either.”
“I got told today I was being transferred to the hospital. I bawled and bawled. I got my phone, called A and went upstairs to pack. T tried to help, I didn’t want any help. She came back up and told me she would be the one to take me to the hospital, that was the only time I felt slightly relieved. I packed everything up, told the girls bye, cried with T in her office and headed out.”
“T just held me as I cried, she cried, she told me this was no way to live. After arriving to the hospital, T helped me get checked in and came with me to the unit. They took my b.p and weight. T was beside me the entire time, holding my hand. They took me to my room, T sat down with me and we both began to cry.
I’ve written you a note before, but this is different. I can never express enough everything you have done for me. With your humor, patience and intelligence, you are an amazing person.
I walked into Tap feeling worthless and like a complete failure from our kitchen talks, to you holding the flamingo and watching me cry.
As much as I hate being here, I still appreciate everything you have done. I look up to you and admire your strength, determination and love.
Having someone during this time that is practically my motherly figure and supports me, means the world to me.”
Anyways, these are just blips of how much of an influence you have had, not only in my recovery, but in my life.
You do so much for not just Tap in general, but for each and every woman who walks through that door. Even a year later, I have no idea why you took me under your wing, or what you saw in me, but I am forever grateful, that no matter how much I tried to push you away, you just weren’t having it.
I genuinely believe you are my biggest supporter and believe in me and what I can accomplish. Lovingly pushing me to try neurofeedback, and our amazing breakfast outtings. I admire and respect you so much and all that you do. I also know, whole heartedly, that I wouldn’t be where I am today without your love and support.