I threw up a mouthful of coffee and raspberries, the RC caught me leaving the bathroom.
I refused to drink an Ensure and after everyone left for their pass home, I headed to the group room for yoga, just me.
After yoga was snack, the RC informed me that I had to call T before snack- shit! The phone rang and rang and I was so nervous.
She answered, my heart dropped, she said she heard I had a rough breakfast, I said not really, and told my side. “I ate, went upstairs to change for yoga and the RC saw me come out of the bathroom.” “Well, what happened in the bathroom?” “Some raspberries came up.” “And you refused an Ensure?….” “I didn’t refuse, I just didn’t let her get that far.
T continued, I told her I didn’t think my stomach was handling the coffee well, so gave up coffee…
T also mentioned how we might have to sit down and revisit if this is the level of care for me. Of course that freaked me out….
I had breakfast, watched Water for Elephants, snack time, did a puzzle.
Showered, lunch time, took a nap, went outside and kicked around my soccer ball.
Painted my nails, snack time, watched Frozen, watched Muppets.
I hate having “special treatment” no dishes because I may involuntarily hurl in the sink, tally stairs so I’m not exercising. This not moving thing is killing me! ERGH!
I get so annoyed I’ve also been put on cleaning restriction too b/c I’m the only one who can manage to clean and take the damn trash out.
We got a new person today, she is 33 and just came from the hospital. I’m discouraged and conflicted. I still believe I’m not sick enough to be here. I want to go outside, run, feel the sun on my back, breeze in my face.
Am I too young to be here?
Am I too young for recovery?
Part of me wants to throw in the towel say fuck it, pack up and go home. Go back to treatment after I’ve hit rock bottom, when I’m actually sick.
T is probably so sick and tired of me. I hate feeling like a lost cause and I’m just waiting for her to say screw it about me as well and give up.
Honestly, I think I just want to pack and leave before I end up disappointing all of Tapestry.
Well, I fucked up, again. I’m not sure why I’m even here. I got so upset and stressed about snack and I threw up, and got caught.
I know in order to quit involuntarily puking, I definitely need to keep my fingers out of my throat.
What the Fuck is my problem?!?!
I don’t want to be here anymore, I want to go home, but I am so tired of throwing up.
While sitting outside on top of a shed T came out. She stood on the ground looking up at me and asked what I wanted to do, I told her, “cry”. “Well, that would have been better than purging.” I began to cry and told her what would make someone want to throw up cashews and cherries??!!
I told her I knew it was a bad idea, and how discouraged I am.
T asked me to come down off the roof, I tossed my journal and watched it fall, then climbed down.
T handed me my journal and I followed her to her office.
I was up tossing and turning at 2:30. The conversation between T and I played over and over again in my head.
“If you aren’t ready to recover for you, do it for your sister.”
“Crying would have been better than purging.”
My leash around here is just getting shorter and shorter, now on top of no running, no showers at night, sit down after every meal, no climbing the stairs, no coffee, but I don’t want all of this to be for nothing.
I was being artsy fartsy last night, after snack. The RC came in and saw my glass full of throw up on the table….
So, this morning was weigh in. I hid my Nalgene and Mason jar, full of water, in my room. So at 6:30, before the RC came in to wake us up, I sat on my bed and chugged the Mason jar. Sat with it, then started on the Nalgene.
I feel so conflicted about it. I don’t want my weight to go up, but it can’t stay the same, I hate being so stationary. Maybe if my weight goes up, I won’t have to sit after every meal, but I hate lying and being dishonest.
Dinner, well, I didn’t eat it. Unfortunately, I had an Ensure, but figured it was the safer bet.
T again mentioned that she wasn’t sure if I could stay. I feel so conflicted. I have had so much taken away and all of my Christmas break, I don’t want it to be for nothing. I’d go back home, run and starve.
When will I put my foot down and find that spark I need?
I almost came clean to T.
The guilt is too much.
She said there was a positive change in my weight.
After threatening to see if I would be able to stay and her saying, “Your weight is the only ace I have right now.”
What was I supposed to say?
“Oh, that’s great, I mean I only chugged an enormous amount of water this morning to water load.”
Yeah, that totally wouldn’t get me kicked out.
Around 12:30 this morning I got really hot and nauseous. I headed to the bathroom where I projectile vomited on my hand and the toilet. I woke up the RC to tell her, she got me some water, I swore up one way and down the other it was the bean burger I ate for dinner.
Everyone went grocery shopping after lunch today except me, because I thought I had a therapist appointment. She came and got me…then we headed to T’s office. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, a “come to Jesus” meeting perhaps?
They both sat down and faced me and asked why I thought they wanted to talk to me. Oh shit, I thought and a stomach sinking feeling came over me. “We are thinking about discharge.” Oh fuck, what?! I began to cry. They went on and explained they were trying to have me referred to UNC. I just bawled harder.
“I won’t go.” I thought, I can’t! I have school, it was hard enough to get my ass here. I was still crying when I explained I felt like a failure, and explained how I had gotten physically sick.
The two of them didn’t really sound like it was an option. I was stuck between getting on my knees and begging and throwing my hands up and saying fuck it as I walked out the door.
“You can always come back here after Chapel Hill.”
“I don’t want to ‘come back’. This isn’t a vacation, I don’t want to come back, ‘Oh hey guys, missed you all.’” I mocked between sobs.
They told me this wasn’t a failure, I just needed a higher level of care. That scares the shit out of me. I was still crying, T began to cry.
I just began to get mad.
“KW goes to the hospital, she gets to stay. M refuses to eat, she gets to stay. C practically gives you the finger…”
“You have made amazing strides and progress…..”
“…not good enough apparently.” I cut her off
T was still choking back tears when she looked me in the eyes and said,
“you don’t have to do this anymore, you don’t have to purge anymore.” I just looked at her and asked, “Why?”
T went outside to get the head honcho director, (can we call her Madame Shit Storm? I think that’s appropriate).
Madame Shit Storm and T came in, I was still bawling. They explained the medical benefits and capability UNC has that would be helpful to me if I was referred.
I admitted I got sick last night and that I’m still sruggling with the stairs but I’ve been honest. They mentioned I needed to be behavior free for so long, I was still crying when I explained that I would have gone 4 days if it wasn’t for physically getting sick.