From a very young age I was independent. I strove to succeed, being the first in my class to learn cursive, finish my multiplication facts, etc. I consider myself loud, outgoing, friendly, and could make friends with a wall.
Somewhere along the way I simultaneously lost and gained control. Nobody suspected a thing. I exerted my energy into soccer, softball, track, and extracurricular activities. Skipping meals became habitual. Voted most unforgettable in high school, and heading to a university on a full ride. Throwing up became life.
If only I was ___________. It didn’t matter. Smart enough, thin enough, taller, prettier, etc, then maybe my others would like me and I’d like myself. I was goal oriented, when I succeeded I wanted it to be better, quicker, faster.
My eating disorder consumed my world. Working out 2-3x a day. Eating once a week, throwing up almost daily, turning to laxatives, diet pills, and many many many miles in the unforgiving weather.
At one point I was given the option of either “Involuntarily hospitalized” or “Voluntarily look into treatment.”
I walked into treatment in complete denial. I went to shut everyone up and placate them. After all, I was still able to go to class, able to run, go to the gym. I wasn’t skin and bones, in the hospital with a feeding tube so I didn’t have an eating disorder, this wasn’t serious. I didn’t deserve to go to treatment or have anyone care about me, I didn’t even care about me.
During treatment I began to not only lose ED, but I was managing to lose my family. The people I thought should have been there to support me were no longer there. The support system I wanted was not the one that I needed. I found support in many spectacular people. Being told, “Don’t take this ‘disorder’ so seriously. Please tell me you still plan on graduating.” and “You treated me better when you had an eating disorder.” were the closest things I got to support.
These are blips of how a Biology Major, athlete, Christian, became engulfed by her eating disorder. How one girl went from running an average of 10 miles a day, taking diet pills, working two jobs and going to school to going into residential treatment with no exercise, a 6x a day meal plan, to hospitalization (in the psych ward none the less), then finally discharge.
This is the current story of my recovery. My search for worth and support. Day by day, trusting the process. Sticking to the meal plan.
Do the next right thing.


4 thoughts on “About

  1. It takes courage to bring these issues into the light. I am sure your story will help others begin to deal w/ their pain and take steps on the road to recovery. I am grateful for your follow, and wish you continued success on your own road. May God watch over you. ❤

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