I feel like I am in a constant state of confliction.
Fighting two ideas and desires in my head.
Part of me wants to be the warm, welcoming, happy, friend who is willing to lend an ear, or a couch.
The other part is extremely misanthropic, wanting nothing more than to be alone, reading, running, or coloring.
I met a friend in support group. At first I thought she was great, she was struggling, but she was nice, caring, etc.
Since she was struggling, and I felt like I was finally starting to make friends up here, I told her she was welcome to come over when she needed.
I felt like her Eating Disorder was on its period. She told me she was losing weight. She saw a picture of my best friend and I, from before treatment and commented on how skinny I was. Feeling so grateful I was in the mindset I was, and was able to mentally step back and try to decipher her intentions behind the comments. It was as if her eating disorder was trying to start something, and I wasn’t going to bite (no pun intended).
At first it wasn’t bad. Texting to let me know she was heading over. Then it became more frequent and with less heads up. It quickly became a knock on the door, or a phone call, “Hey, unlock the door, I’m standing outside.”
After a difficult week with my mother I wanted nothing more than to stay cooped up in my apartment with my dog, a good book and alternating between fresh pressed coffee and fresh brewed tea.
Then my phone began to ring. I ignored it.
I got in the shower. My phone rang again.
Headed to go run errands. Text message.
Got home. Phone rang.
Sitting on the couch reading. Knock at the door.
I figured it was only a matter of time. I opened the door and said, “Well, I’m glad you aren’t dead.”
I told her I was about to head out, and was actually going to go to my grandmother’s house (which, I had already decided earlier that day, I wasn’t up for it.) She stayed for what seemed like forever, lying that I was about to run to Barnes and Nobles, and she attempted to invite herself along.
Monday I talked to my new therapist, K, about it. She was trying to get me to put up some boundaries, and try to put some distance there. I don’t want to upset her, or rock the boat, but she is starting to remind me of my old roommate, and it is just making me question if this is a healthy relationship to be in right now. K agreed, and also wondered about my friend’s comments.
So, I got home. Exhausted from work, and from my session with K. My upstairs neighbor was standing on the stairs, checking her mail. I stood there and listened to her talk and complain about various things- the new neighbor, her job, whatever I would listen to. She then asked if she could pet Ella before she left.
There goes the internal conflicting dialogue.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I’m not even IN my apartment yet, I’m still holding my shit. Fuck no, leave me alone.”
“Ok, just for a minute. Maybe it will make her day, no harm in it, plus don’t want to piss off my neighbor.”
So, my neighbor was now standing in my living room petting my dog, while I am trying to hang up my keys and purse, put my lunch dishes in the sink, and take my shoes off. She is still standing there, telling me for the umpteenth time about her bitch of a coworker, and how the neighbors keep banging stuff, and how expensive the rent is. The only thing I am thinking is how badly I want to get out of my jeans.
Literally at this point I have tried the, “Oh, ok Jo, well, I mean, I was going to take Ella on a walk and change.” She kept on talking, this time about some movie about a dog she had just told me about last week.
At this point I am so mentally exhausted. Part of me wants to immediately hop on my phone and email K:
“So not only is my friend randomly stopping by, but now my fucking neighbor has been standing in my living room for the past twenty minutes!!”
I couldn’t fucking believe it!
Practically giving up, I headed to my room where I flung off my nice button-up shirt from work and threw on a tank top. Announcing audibly, “the next thing to go is my pants, regardless if my apartment door is open or not.”
She gave another “Ok, well, I won’t hold you up any longer.”
I had been hearing that for the past 8 minutes and 26 seconds…..