Hershey- Not the kisses

Hey guys!

It’s been a while. Life has continued, the dog and I are still getting settled, and not sure where I left off on the blog.

So, I think I officially have a boyfriend, he is super great, super supportive. Also good looking. We talked about ED, figured I’d give him time to jump off the crazy train, but he hasn’t. We will go out to eat, he has spent the night. I really like him. He went to Florida this week, but will be home soon.

I found an ED support group and have been going to that once a week. Life has been great, my eating- not so much. After going to the group a few times, and enjoying it, I checked in with a few people, and didn’t think the group was enough support and accountability for where I am. My restricting got worse, my purging became the worst it has been in a long, long time.

So, with a loving push, I made an appointment at the Hershey Penn State ED facility. I wore my heaviest boots, three shirts and a hoodie, and walked into the office. We talked for a while about the usual introductory stuff, my family, my eating disorder, the behaviors, treatment, etc. She thought I needed to stop running and eat “at least add a tiny bit more…”, stop taking the diet pills. You have othostatic hypotension….. yeah, that was fun.

I finally thought I was about done. ED was still sitting in the front of my mind reminding me of how fat I was, how I didn’t, and shouldn’t, be here. The doctor turned to me, handed me a gown and asked me to change for a blind weight.

Ah, FUCK. Nobody said anything about a gown.

So, did that.

I was expecting some kind of nice rejection speech, “You don’t fit the criteria.” “I am sorry, but…” Anything that would reinforce the fact that I’m not sick nor skinny.

“Just curious, what was your lowest.” Uhh, I don’t know, probably between xxx and xyz.

“Ok, well you are sitting at xxx right now.  I don’t think outpatient will be enough. I’d strongly suggest PHP.”

Oh hell no, I thought. I don’t have time for that shit. I moved to PA to start a life and career, not go back into treatment.

I explained that my work schedule would not allow that.

“Well, I think IOP would be a good start. They have dinner together, group….”

 

Sorry guys, I’m getting bored and stressed writing about this…. I start IOP tomorrow.

On my fun-o-meter, IOP is sitting somewhere between Dentist and Gynecologist….

Besides ED, my life is great. Support group, making friends, boyfriend. I feel kinda useless at work still, but I love being a BioChemist…. Dang, so nerdy. Love it.

 

Anyway,

Trust the Process!!

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3 thoughts on “Hershey- Not the kisses

  1. Gosh, I can relate so much to this. Although I am nowhere near recovery as you are, I get the whole “everything is going great except the eating” part. That’s pretty much where I’ve been lately. Wish you the best in IOP. It’s just another bump in the road and you’re doing the right things to pass it and keep going 🙂 Glad to hear from you and much love your way.

    PS: Somewhere between dentist and gynecologist….well that sure cracked me up

    1. I’m praying that your recovery is on the right track and you are doing well! I can’t help but think about the people who follow my blog, and always makes me wonder how they are doing.
      I am no longer at Hershey for IOP, but found a new therapist and am looking at a nutritionist for a steady OP team.
      Trust the Process!

      1. Hey love! Thank you so much for the words of support! I’m glad to hear you are holding on and fighting through. I’m in a gray area right now food-wise, not bad nor great, but it just is. I’m in a transition period right now so I need some time. But on the plus side: I can eat alone whatever I want, no nagging from parents which always made the eating disorder voice worse 😉

        Much love to you!

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