I FEEL

I don’t want to be snarky.

I want to be real, raw, authentic.

To let my guard down and be honest.

Not laugh, shrug everything off, or just get snarky.

I laugh because I don’t want you to see the real me.

In my weakness, being snarky, is my strength.

 

I don’t want you to worry.

It isn’t fair.

Being called a burden for as long as I can remember.

I strive to be independent. Not have to rely on anybody for anything.

The ability to be strong, quickly became my inability to ask for help.

I don’t want the attention.

It’s selfish.

Conceited.

I’ve heard it all.

With attention comes criticism, punishment, names. This is what I’ve been taught.

 

It isn’t fair.

You have a family, a life.

It shouldn’t revolve around me.

I feel guilty. I feel selfish. I feel needy and weak.

 

You want to draw near.

You are concerned, caring, loving.

I want to push it away, but I still appreciate it.

I laugh, I sass, I get defensive. You don’t deserve that.

I’m still glad you care.

It isn’t fair.

 

I feel undeserving.

I feel hatred.

Hating the very thought that you know I’m slipping.

You see my struggle.

You feed me love, strength, hope, guidance.

You are unable to feed me food.

 

Expressing concern for me.

I shrug it off and make a joke.

I don’t want to admit.

I feel fear.

 

What if she is right?

 

How could I let this happen again?

 

What am I afraid of?

Food

Failure

Rejection

Vulnerability

Emotions

Being fat

Relapsing

Recovering

Not recovering

Eating

Not eating

Crying

The hospital

Going back to treatment

Disappointing others

I live in this world if invincibility.

Nothing would happen to me.

I feel strong.

How do I feel strong when my legs are trembling and my head is spinning?

I feel scared.

Scared I won’t get better. I will never be in a relationship.

My longest relationship seems to be the one with ED.

Scared there will always be this barrier between me and a normal life.

Scared that maybe one day, I will no longer be invincible.

 

Yet, it isn’t fair.

It bothers me when you worry.

I don’t mean to worry you.

Feeling conceited, selfish & snarky.

 

 

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