This is usually the part where I enter my journal entry from last year.
Talk about how difficult treatment was, how I wasn’t sick, didn’t deserve recovery.
More stories about wanting to run,
wanting to be thin,
and more Ensure.
In my entry I wrote about how another resident was practically bragging about how sick she was, and how I had never really been sick.
I don’t remember much. I remember storming out, sitting on top of the shed, and smoking a cigarette (even though I don’t smoke). My friend climbed onto the shed with me and that’s all I really remember.
had always been is one of my biggest fears, being reassured I was fine, not sick, or too fat to have an ED.
So, anyway. Currently, I have moved. I am an Associate Scientist in Biochemistry.
It is so much work and training and preparation.
I am so excited I am finally back on a somewhat regular schedule again.
I am probably only eating twice a day….. maybe.
Part of it is deliberate, wanting to restrict, or not wanting to be the only one eating in the room. Another part is that I am just busy (which I use to my advantage).
I haven’t been taking a lunch break, but they don’t want us going over 40 hours.
So, a conversation after the lab went something like this:
#1 to #2 and I: “Yeah, that way you can take lunch and stuff some food in your face.”
Me: “For sure, that is important.”
#1: “Look at you, you must not think it is. You’re skinny as a rail.”
#2: “Oh my God, I know! Look at her!”
ED wasn’t impressed, or thankful. I wasn’t thrilled someone told me I was skinny. My first reaction was frustration.
Of course they don’t know, how could they, it isn’t their fault.
I didn’t know what to say. Do I say thank you? Do I walk away?
#1 went on and on about how when I get older I will get fat, but I am so tiny right now, it wouldn’t stop. So, as we were walking out I said, “Yeah, well, I am a recovering anorexic who spent months in treatment.”
I was so pissed at myself for even saying that. It was none of her damn business. I am new to this job. What the Fuck did I do??!!?!
I think though, I am just so frustrated because I see myself as very fat. I wish I could see myself as others see me, but I don’t. That is the most bothersome thing.