Monday was weigh in, new admits, and a lot of nothing.
Tuesday, Vanessa woke M and I up early for another weigh in. We were both freaking the hell out.
After Treatment team had their meeting M found out she was going home.
They had searched our rooms and M got caught water loading. I was pretty upset about it and miss her.
It is so weird to be the person here the longest. I miss B too, but guess I need to focus on me and getting better.
During T’s group yesterday I got slightly defensive and sassy. Another resident was arguing with T and talking shit about this place. T and everyone here have already done so much for me, to hear someone brand new come in and talk shit really pissed me off.
I told her we were going grocery shopping, everyone has to go, to calm down, etc. T thanked me for piping up.
So, anyway, today. We had yoga and I got super antsy. Yoga Kathy caught me trying to work out. I so badly want to run
We tried to make a grocery list, but it was a chaotic clusterfuck and I got stressed.
Got to carry the Sam’s stuff in through!
Was also put on anti-anxiety, just makes me feel tired.
Sometimes I wonder and get discouraged. Am I even making progress?
I woke up this morning, I had been dreaming about my kids. I got really melancholy, miss them so much, their hugs, their love, their smiles.
I’m slightly discouraged that people are “passing” me in recovery. I know it isn’t a race, but people that came after me are leaving before me.
The guilt of water loading is still killing me. I had a realization this morning, I miss M, but I’m glad she is gone. I think I miss the familiar faces and the thought of her. She breagged about how many cups of water she had before weigh in, what she hid or smuggled in. I got defensive for her, when she was hiding cups of vomit in her room.
I think I realized I am only cheating or hurting myself and my recovery.
Today is Saturday, I’m going on pass.
Yesterday, we had a group with T about feelings, emotions, etc. I tried so freaking hard to not cry. It was the hardest group yet, my mind went to New Years, how much I fucked up, all the memories, my home life and the voice of ED.
I looked at T as she lovingly drilled me with uncomfortable questions. Trying so hard not to cry.
I went to my room and just began to bawl.
T came in and saw. We talked for a bit about her group and how it helped, but was so hard.
Everyone left, I went outside and played with Chloe. It was so great to be outside laughing and playing with the dog.
This week has probably been one of the hardest.
I went to back to residential, but only to visit and say my goodbyes. I walked in the familiar door, where a bunch of unfamiliar faces greeted me in confusion and curiosity.
Standing right in the doorway, staring through the hall of the house, T came out into the hall.
Literally everything else faded.
I headed down the hall.
Straight into her arms.
T expressed a lot of concern for me moving, and desperately wanted me to take care of myself and eat.
I talked to K, and she was excited for me. I gave her a hard time, and a couple hugs as well.
It is so crazy to me that someone I started off wanting nothing to do with, let alone hugs from, has become my biggest supporter and practically a mom to me. I love her so much, and don’t think I can ever fully express my gratitude for everything she has done.
I have moved from NC to PA.
I knew the transition would be the hardest, but I wasn’t anticipating it to be this rough.
After packing everything up, and an excruciatingly long drive, I am now sitting in my apartment.
It is odd, and still nerve-wracking. I do feel some peace about the situation though.
I am having a very difficult time eating though.
I strongly believe that I am just worried, stressed and nervous, and am restricting to compensate.
It isn’t smart, but it is what I know.
The dog and I go on runs frequently, and I am restricting pretty badly.
I am also fairly certain that my veganism is another way to hide my orthorexic tendencies. It isn’t only about the animals, or just the environment, it also has a lot to do with the chemicals. I have a huge fear of the preservatives inside the food, what else is in the food, and gives me an excuse to avoid fear foods like lunch meat and cheese.
I start my job Monday in a biopharmaceutical lab.
I’m not where I was, but I’m not where I want to be.
Trust the Process!!