There are times I desperately miss it. I question recovery altogether and wonder if relapse would, or even could, really be “that bad”.
I miss the feeling of having some type of false control, especially when I am stressed out and not sure what else to turn to. Being enthralled and wrapped up in the appealing aspect of ED.
Yesterday I went to the NEDA walk. I was scared shitless, didn’t want to go. Disordered fear overtook my logical mind and I was terrified of being the fattest one there, comparing bodies and sizes. Feeling inadequate and not good enough to be there celebrating. I had a great time and the support was indescribable.
Then I got home, I had a mental freak out. I jumped rope in the living room for an hour and worked out as hard as I could. I wasn’t sure which I regretted more, the disordered behavior I was engaging in, or the guilt from lunch earlier that day.
The feeling of being the exception to the rule, or invincible. Thinking that eating disorders hurt other people, not me. The disordered thought process of considering restricting an accomplishment and believing you don’t have to eat.
In those moments I try, keyword TRY, to remember I am at a 10.5 on the emotion scale. Meaning I am emotion-over-full, I attempt to breathe and let it pass.
The struggle is real.
Trust the Process!!