One year ago I was not able to eat real food. I was curled over due to the amount of laxatives I had taken. I was in my senior year of college and school was my main concern.
I lived with my best friend, the most amazing and supportive person ever!
I ate once every few days, and ran every day. I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing. I was shaky, cold, headaches. After reading old posts I can say that I was acknowledging I was getting worse, but had no clue what to do about it because this was my life. If I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night I had to sit up slowly, if I stood up I got dizzy and would fall back on my bed before finally making my way down the hallway.
The mere thought of treatment had barely been brought to my attention, if it was, I quickly brushed it off by saying, “I just don’t have time for that, I have work and school.”
I didn’t have time for treatment. I didn’t have time to stop what I was doing, it was too much work and too much of a commitment. I was too dedicated to my eating disorder to be unfaithful to it and change.
At the time, my family and I didn’t know how to talk about this. It was swept under the rug, or typically ended in an argument. Mom and I both didn’t want to deal with it, and mom was sure I was just doing this for the attention. I was puking in the toilets at work, school, wherever. In desperate times I would puke into a cup in my car. I wasn’t able to tolerate food, and was eating maybe a spoonful of yogurt.
I had plans to fly to Nebraska to see family for Thanksgiving where I would be participating in a race and enjoying family.
Within a week my entire life got flipped upside down. I had a doctor appointment where she told me I was losing more weight. She scheduled me with a new therapist and a dietitian on campus. The new therapist spent almost no time getting to know me and calling places to get me into treatment. She called Tapestry and put me on a waiting list. Jennie, from Tapestry Eating Disorder Treatment, would call me periodically, to get information on me, and try to get me to come. Part of me brushed this off, knowing I would never go, and the other part was frozen, wondering if this was really happening.
A year later, I have left treatment, and feel like I have done a 180. I eat foods I never would have dreamed of touching a year ago. I still struggle with body image issues and dysmorphia, feeling like I have blown up and gained thirty pounds over night, but I also know that restricting won’t be helpful. There are even some foods that I enjoy and look forward to eating!! My purging, which used to be every day, is now slim to none. It is amazing and I am so thankful for the many people in my life who supported me and helped me though all of this.
Trust the Process!