The past few weeks have been strangely different, in a good yet confusing way.
With some coaxing, reassuring, and love I gave into a few things and quit whole heartedly resisting.
My team of K & T were feeling stuck, as was I. I was half ass doing a meal plan of what I deemed acceptable and not so much of what they wanted. We felt stuck… ok now what… she is eating…kinda… still working out…. Not really following a meal plan…..
So, after talking for a while, I finally hesitantly agreed to try neurofeedback. T told me she would come with me and I was ridiculously thankful for that, otherwise I would not have gone for sure. I showed up the next morning, nauseous, pit in my stomach and knot in my throat, thinking to myself, “This is going to be the damn reason I throw up this week.” During the drive over there I received a text from T, pretty much checking that I hadn’t changed my mind last minute (Oh man was that tempting).
Honestly, I’m not even sure what kept me driving to the appointment. I didn’t have to get up that early to drive an hour for something, Why was I even going? T and I had briefly talked about this once or twice and I was not a fan. Skeptical. Nervous. Unfamiliar… I also didn’t want to go on any meds…. Once again, feeling stuck, even with K & T on my side. I didn’t want to go, I had already decided if I got there and T was nowhere to be found I was peacing out without a second thought.
Not even a mile from the appointment I got a message from T. Just a few simple words that meant so much to me, “I’m here for you… always.” The reassurance that she was supportive, cared, believes in me. I pulled into the driveway and saw T. We went into the building together and sat in the waiting room and talked. She then began to talk about regulating my mood and how I should call my doctor. Well, I did the neurofeedback, I was exhausted. It lasted maybe 12 minutes, but by the end of the day I felt like an infant, unable to keep my eyes open or my head up.
I called my doctor, had an appointment, asked about medication.
So, here I am, almost three weeks later from the first neurofeedback appointment, and almost two weeks into my medication.
When put on the spot and asked if I feel any different I curl up, shut down and just say, “I don’t think so.” Because I’m really not sure. Lately though I’ve begun eating more in an attempt to stick to my meal plan.
I’ve noticed the relationship between some of my coworkers and I have become better (I largely think it’s because of this emotional regulation thing).
I ate at Moe’s!
I’m eating eggs again!
I’m working out still, but usually eat something afterwards.
I’ve been getting better with hitting my starch and fat exchange.
And, I’m really trying to work on this whole “normal” thing, because it is something I really want.
I’m still struggling with my body issues, and feeling like I’m a beached whale. Repulsed by my stomach and thighs. Unhappy with my weight and BMI, but I also try and remind myself I deadlifted 105 lbs and squatted 120lbs the other day.
My gratitude and love for K & T can never be fully expressed. I have some major control issues, especially when ED is raging, but overall I love and trust those two and need to fall back on that. They want to see me succeed and the unknown is terrifying, but their support is remarkable. I’ve gone from a person who couldn’t even acknowledge her emotions, never wanted anyone to come inside my space, and couldn’t muster up the courage to eat peanut butter, to somebody who looks forward to hugs from T, talks about how I’m “feeling” –whatever that is, and eats pb sandwiches to get in the starch and fat.
I’m really struggling right now with wanting to eat though, which is an unfortunate turn of events. Feeling stressed out by so many unknowns in my life. Hoping I’m just tired, or possibly hangry, but always feel like evening is the worst for me. Struggle is real!
Trust the process!