Why Not Me

Ever since I was little, I wanted to take the pain away. Not just an acute injury that might have me sitting on the couch with ice and a lollipop for a while, real pain.

I never wanted to see anybody upset, hurt, or in pain- especially at me.

For many years, and even today, when somebody is hurting I immediately deem that unacceptable and want them to instantaneously be better, cured, pain free. There have been many people in my life who have had misfortunes and been in pain for various reasons.

One who has awful Crones disease, and I’ve wished and prayed it would go away, even if that meant giving it to me. I’d rather take the flares and pain, than see her suffer.

An amazing couple unable to have kids, I’ve hoped for the longest time she would get pregnant, even if that meant me never having any. Watching them become an amazing family.

One of my girls in afterschool who’s mom was absolutely no good. Came to school on more than one occasion with a bruise, stitches. I wanted nothing more to swoop her up, take her with me, or take on her pain myself.

To one of the most amazing people in my life, she busted her shoulder badly and had to have surgery. I prayed so many times that I would have been the one to fall, or that I could somehow take the pain so she could move without hesitation.

For the longest time I have also had the mentality of “Why not me?”

I hate to see others in pain, I want to take it away so badly, help everyone, even take it on myself. Even though I can barely take care of myself currently without help from others.

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3 thoughts on “Why Not Me

  1. Hey! Wow. I can’t really believe this post, to be honest. I had a session with my psychologist this summer where I came upon this very same realization…I wasn’t sure if anyone else would relate. I had never realized before that I hold this painful longing to make sure every one else is okay. I will martyr myself and do/say whatever I feel like I should in order to keep them from feeling bad…guilty…embarassed…bored. I, too, have been holding this mentality that, “as long as they are okay… I’ll be okay. I can take it.” But by doing so, I have been hurting myself. And the truth is, obviously, I can’t take it. By trying to protect everyone else, I crumbled. I couldn’t handle it. So I looked to exercise and restricting myself in order to try to handle it all. This has been a major revelation for me. Now, I remember the words, ” I am not responsible for other peoples’ emotions.” I remind myself that others will always feel pain, and there is nothing I will be ever be able to do to keep this from happening. But they will be okay. They will find their way out of it.
    I’m not completely clear of the connection between this wiring of ours and eating disorders, but I do think the awareness is very important. So glad I’ve found your little piece of the internet… I’m on the same journey as you. Keep going miss.

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