Lately, I feel like I have been in a better place mentally and emotionally. The urges are still there, and I still seem to act on behaviors much more than I care to admit. Overall though, I am still trying to eat, I made protein pancakes with a little shove from my dietitian. I am in a better mood and not as grouchy.
It is scary to me though when I am going through a “better patch” because the fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop, something bad to happen, to completely and totally lose it. It is a feeling of slight freedom, unfamiliar to me, yet welcome. I want to believe I am getting better, that the urges are subsiding and I’m not a complete slave to the ED behaviors. I also don’t want to get my hopes up.
It is different, it means change and unfamiliarity. During times of stressful change I always resorted to my ED behaviors- so now what?
I want to believe this is the start of some deep, influential, long-lasting, kick ass recovery; what if it isn’t though? What if this is just a phase? In a few days I’ll go back to hardcore restricting and purging, then what? I become very critical and listen to the voice of ED saying how I am not good enough or strong enough to do this.
I’ve tried a new little motto though, while it may be slightly disordered, it seems to be helpful. “I don’t have to eat, I can choose not to. If I choose to eat something though, I need to choose to keep it down.” It may seem simple and quite silly, it seems to be working pretty well. I am scared of succeeding though, because what if my own success isn’t good enough. What if it doesn’t last? So many what ifs.
Also, I think I am afraid of losing the people who have become my support system and who have become so close to me if I am doing great. I want to get over this, want to not be consumed by the thoughts of vomiting and restricting. What if I lose the people in my life who helped me get to this place though? It was hard enough having to admit I needed to go to outpatient after only being out of residential a few months, let alone what if I relapse AGAIN.