Optimistic Skepticism

Lately, I feel like I have been in a better place mentally and emotionally. The urges are still there, and I still seem to act on behaviors much more than I care to admit. Overall though, I am still trying to eat, I made protein pancakes with a little shove from my dietitian. I am in a better mood and not as grouchy.

It is scary to me though when I am going through a “better patch” because the fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop, something bad to happen, to completely and totally lose it. It is a feeling of slight freedom, unfamiliar to me, yet welcome. I want to believe I am getting better, that the urges are subsiding and I’m not a complete slave to the ED behaviors. I also don’t want to get my hopes up.

It is different, it means change and unfamiliarity. During times of stressful change I always resorted to my ED behaviors- so now what?

I want to believe this is the start of some deep, influential, long-lasting, kick ass recovery; what if it isn’t though? What if this is just a phase? In a few days I’ll go back to hardcore restricting and purging, then what? I become very critical and listen to the voice of ED saying how I am not good enough or strong enough to do this.

I’ve tried a new little motto though, while it may be slightly disordered, it seems to be helpful. “I don’t have to eat, I can choose not to. If I choose to eat something though, I need to choose to keep it down.” It may seem simple and quite silly, it seems to be working pretty well. I am scared of succeeding though, because what if my own success isn’t good enough. What if it doesn’t last? So many what ifs.

Also, I think I am afraid of losing the people who have become my support system and who have become so close to me if I am doing great. I want to get over this, want to not be consumed by the thoughts of vomiting and restricting. What if I lose the people in my life who helped me get to this place though? It was hard enough having to admit I needed to go to outpatient after only being out of residential a few months, let alone what if I relapse AGAIN.

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9 thoughts on “Optimistic Skepticism

  1. I have a similar motto that helps me. I am especially afraid of going out with friends and eating with others. But I tell myself “They can’t make me eat. I don’t have to eat if I don’t want to.”
    I know that a lot of us struggle with fear of relapse. I hope that you stay strong lovely<3

  2. you can do this love. find a motto that works for you and then stick to it. mine is, “just do the next right thing.” that really sums it up quite simply. Hang in there dear. you’re doing great. even if it’s just a patch, it’s still a patch. and you’re going in the right direction. so celebrate what is, instead of fearing what hasn’t happened yet. i believe in you 🙂

    1. That is the same motto I used until I could string together enough right choices to have confidence that I was capable of taking care of myself. It is really a meal by meal recovery!

  3. I always think ‘one step at a time’ its simple and probably cliché but it really helps in hard times, I just focus on the very next thing I have to do and try not get caught up in the whole process because that can sometimes get me down or too anxious and I might give up before even starting. so I take each day as it comes.. each meal.. each bite… I make the ‘steps’ as small as I need to, to get through 🙂

  4. Just keep “doing the next right thing”. You can do this. And being healhty doesn’t mean you will lose the people who have become your support system. Can you talk to them about these fears? You really are so strong and have come so far. Xx

  5. Recovery comes meal by meal and even then it is not easy. I also used the “food is medicine” mantra because I had become severely depressed during the worst of my ED. I knew I had to eat to climb out of that pit.

    The other shoe may drop. You might relapse or at least return briefly to the behaviors during stressful times. As you gain insight through your recovery it will get easier to recognize your triggers and forgive yourself for slips.

    For a very long time I feared every slip meant that I was going straight into a relapse. I have learned that they happen. 2/3 of my life has been haunted by eating disorder related thoughts. They are ever present so when life begins spinning out of control that is the coping mechanism that I reach for. I forgive myself for this readily which makes it easier to get back into remission.

    Step-by-step you will be successful in your recovery. Be kind to yourself!

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