Outpatient Update, Move, Gardening,

Hey all! Sorry I have kinda been missing for quite a while. I moved into a cutesy little house with an awesome roommate, work 6 days a week, for at least ten hours a day, then on my “day off” I clean, do some garden therapy and go to OP.

Overall, I feel like my life is pretty steady and consistent, the way I like it. I enjoy keeping myself busy. I love going 100 mph and practically never stop. When I’m at work on the dock, I find myself running or doing suicides just to keep going. It is so uncomfortable for me to sit still or relax. It drives my boyfriend-ish thing guy absolutely crazy.

My roommate is terrific, she goes grocery shopping, deals with me and we get along great. We get up in the morning, start the hot water on the stove, have breakfast, get ready for work and leave.

OP is well, it’s OP. Sometimes stressful, but always helpful and beneficial in some way. My Dietitian is absa-fruitly amazing, and I’ve been trying to implement more foods. My therapist, words cannot describe her, she tolerates my sarcasm and me being difficult so well, she calls me out on my bullshit, which I desperately need.

I feel like one thing I do need to touch on is my inability to sit still. I’m not even sure where that comes from, but I constantly feel like I need to be doing something, accomplishing something. Yes, I have my sometimes “lazy day” but overall, it is awful for me to just sit down and do nothing, especially by myself. T, my super therapist, brought that to my attention the other day. If I am sitting with someone the anxiety isn’t as bad, but sitting by myself drives me insane.

I think the closest I have come lately is my new garden therapy I have begun around our new place. Flowers, tomatoes, peppers, basil, brussels, you name it! Watering, weeding, fertilizing, planting, etc. I am able to be with myself, not going a complete 100 mph, when I am outside in the garden. Granted, I am still being productive, but something happens, I enjoy being outside, still getting dirty and sweaty, watching the plants grow or be watered, excited for all of the sprouting possibilities in my freshly watered beds.

More to come! Sorry, have to be up at 5:30, night!

Future

About a week or so ago one of my friends and I got together. We hadn’t seen each other since she left treatment back in December. We had dinner together, laughed together, caught up, then she came over. We finished off the evening by watching Gilmore Girls and having a couple glasses of wine. It felt great to be able to attempt to be “normal” and enjoy my evening with a great friend.

Recently, this guy and I have been talking, we have been going out together quite frequently and we may even be an item. He is such a great guy and I really enjoy his company.  The few dates my potential boyfriend guy thing and I have done have involved waterfall hiking, walking around a cutesy little town, dinner, lunch. We actually have a list going of stuff we need to do. On that list recently was a waterfall, and I made him try a kale smoothie, that he actually didn’t hate! He is offering to help me move when I need it, and he texts me “Good Morning” almost every morning. He has offered to go to yoga with me and doesn’t judge me for my “hippie dippie” tendencies.

He is so sweet, patient and smart. He tolerates me so well, and I’m not sure if we are an item, or what we are, but I honestly feel lucky. He deals with my quirks and indecisiveness very well. He doesn’t know about treatment or anything like that, he does know I go to dietitian appointments, and doesn’t judge me for that. Actually, today I told him I ate half of a banana which is big for me, and he congratulated me!! Earlier today I sent him a picture of me hand feeding wild baby ducks, he called me a Disney princess and was impressed.

I am wearing myself out working as much as I am. I work ten, sometimes twelve hour days, typically 6 days a week, sometimes more. It is exhausting, but at the same time I don’t do well with a lot of free time on my hands, so working is probably the best option. I have gotten a new tattoo, I signed the lease on a house, and have a roommate, we move in together in two days!!! Stuff is changing. I am worried but excited. Feeling so ridiculously anxious about the house and all these changes I’m not sure what to do.

I feel like I’ve been in a pretty good place mentally and emotionally lately and feel like it is silly for me to continue to go to my outpatient appointments, but at the same time it is silly to not go and risk everything falling apart, especially in the middle of all the changes. It has been freeing, even if just a tiny tiny bit, but freeing none the less, to focus more on work, packing, my boyfriend and the new house, rather than every single calorie in my body.

Trust the process!!

xoxoxo

Optimistic Skepticism

Lately, I feel like I have been in a better place mentally and emotionally. The urges are still there, and I still seem to act on behaviors much more than I care to admit. Overall though, I am still trying to eat, I made protein pancakes with a little shove from my dietitian. I am in a better mood and not as grouchy.

It is scary to me though when I am going through a “better patch” because the fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop, something bad to happen, to completely and totally lose it. It is a feeling of slight freedom, unfamiliar to me, yet welcome. I want to believe I am getting better, that the urges are subsiding and I’m not a complete slave to the ED behaviors. I also don’t want to get my hopes up.

It is different, it means change and unfamiliarity. During times of stressful change I always resorted to my ED behaviors- so now what?

I want to believe this is the start of some deep, influential, long-lasting, kick ass recovery; what if it isn’t though? What if this is just a phase? In a few days I’ll go back to hardcore restricting and purging, then what? I become very critical and listen to the voice of ED saying how I am not good enough or strong enough to do this.

I’ve tried a new little motto though, while it may be slightly disordered, it seems to be helpful. “I don’t have to eat, I can choose not to. If I choose to eat something though, I need to choose to keep it down.” It may seem simple and quite silly, it seems to be working pretty well. I am scared of succeeding though, because what if my own success isn’t good enough. What if it doesn’t last? So many what ifs.

Also, I think I am afraid of losing the people who have become my support system and who have become so close to me if I am doing great. I want to get over this, want to not be consumed by the thoughts of vomiting and restricting. What if I lose the people in my life who helped me get to this place though? It was hard enough having to admit I needed to go to outpatient after only being out of residential a few months, let alone what if I relapse AGAIN.