My Fear and Desire for Normalcy

I want it so bad, I crave it, dream of it, wish and hope for it more than anything. I want to be normal.

What is normal though?

This question was asked this week at therapy. Does that mean I am behavior free? That I am not longer exercising? What exactly did I perceive “normal” in this context.  I told her, to me, it would be purging free. She asked me “What about restricting?” I told her I believe that it is normal for somebody to skip lunch every now and then, or skip something, but it is the intention behind it.

I want a balance between working out and eating so fucking badly. I love running, love working out. I just cannot seem to find that balance between the two. When I run and hardcore workout, my eating suffers horribly. I would never want to give up running completely that just isn’t an option to me, but then how do I balance this?

The fear or normal scares me though. I don’t know what my life would look like not constantly revolving around this. What is normal? How much food is “normal”? What is a “normal” relationship? I want it, I want it all, but I don’t get it or understand it, and it scares me because of how unfamiliar it is to me.

Desiring to be normal, live my life. I am not a college graduate, still no boyfriend, and still ridiculously unsure of the future. I would like to be in a relationship, go out on dates, be normal. There is no way that I could drag a guy into this. Currently, I am already in a relationship with my eating disorder, and dragging somebody into this mess would just be so unfair.

I want to work out like a normal person. Run 10 miles because I enjoy it, not to punish myself, think calories and then get reprimanded for running so far. Going to the gym because I enjoy it and want to, not because the voice in my head says I need to and have to.

I want to eat like a normal person. Go out and eat, enjoy it, laugh. How much is too much. Still currently using my measuring cups to attempt and stay on track… normal people don’t do that. I eat practically only Greek yogurt, granola, blueberries, and oatmeal. What do normal people eat? How often do normal people eat?

I don’t even know what a normal person thinks about. Calories, miles, restricting, purging, chugging water, body dissatisfaction… on my mind 24/7. How freeing it would be to finally have something else on my mind.

Honestly? I would like to have the amount of self-hatred and body dissatisfaction a normal person has. There is so much of that within me, and it is awful. Draining, depressing, saddening.

Normal. So unfamiliar, but yet I want it. I need something new.

Trust the Process!!!



4 thoughts on “My Fear and Desire for Normalcy

  1. I want normal, too. Whatever normal is. I think it’s great you have a dream, a goal of what you want, and i believe one day you will get there. You have come so far already. 😊

  2. What you have said rings so true with me. I’m almost sure I’ve written/spoken of those things before. You are not the only one to feel this, I feel it too, I think many do.
    But I also think in the end we have to create our own normal. What’s normal for me? How can I function properly? Those answers may not be the same as yours. It’s a hard question.

  3. “Normal” is such an elusive word. I have given up on the idea of being “Normal” in order to accept being me. I will never have a normal relationship with food and working out. That frustrates me sometimes, but I know that in order to continue in remission I have to make a cognitive decision, sometimes multiple times per day that I will not engage in eating disorder related behaviors. I wrote about recovery just the other day. Maybe you will find some of it helpful.

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