I was beginning to slip and slide. Slowly but quickly, making my way backwards to old tendencies and habits. Making excuses and defending my actions, even though I could tell they were disordered.
Because of treatment I missed half of my final semester of my senior year of undergrad. With a course load of virology, biostatistics, biochemistry and ecology, I was positive there was no way I would graduate college on time. It took everything in me not to just withdraw from this semester and finish later. Yesterday, I gave the clinical director my graduation announcements and graduation is tomorrow. My professors and I were in complete shock that I managed to pull that one off.
I ended up going back to treatment, this time just outpatient (Thank God). I met with the dietitian first last week. She rewrote my meal plan and went back over it with me. I was completely honest and told her that it’s a “shit ton of food”. She told me that’s what I was eating when I left…. yeah… well that sure isn’t what I am eating now. I told her I was not hitting all of my exchanges. That was the main goal was to get me back on my meal plan. She asked me how many times a week I am exercising, I told her it depended on what she considered exercise. With yoga, lifting, and running, it was about 7-10x a week…. she didn’t like that either.
Yesterday I had my therapist appointment. I was stressing out so badly, which was weird because I think the world of her, but was so worried about having to be open and honest and the whole “sharing of feelings” bull shit thing. Plus, I love her, but I can’t bull shit her, she has a pretty tight bullshit filter, and I knew she would lovingly call me out when necessary. I went hiking before my session, saw some waterfalls, it was beautiful and loved it.
Then I got back, sat down in the office and prepared myself for a mental battle. We talked about my running, I explained that yeah, its more of a “NEED” to, then enjoyable want to. I told her that I was still eating Greek yogurt and she laughed and added…with blueberries?! I said of course haha. We talked about my purging and asked me how often. I was honest, and told her that it was discouraging. She told me that I have my good days. T took out a sticky note and drew a pink heart on one and stuck it to the index card of things I’ve been doing right lately, and gave it to me. Definitely made me happy 🙂 She asked me how much of my meal plan I was eating, I told her only about 50%, I seem to start off pretty good for breakfast and 10:30 snack, then as the day goes on it seems to fall apart. I used the excuse that I was busy. T told me, “You skipped it. If you are going to do it, at least own it.” She was right. I told her it was so complicated, because I want to be normal, but that is terrifying, that I want to lift weights, but don’t want to gain weight. I told her how disordered it is that I am proud of the fact I haven’t gotten my period.
I was given “homework” to stop by the store yesterday after my appointment and get some more food that would help me “branch out”. Even though I practically live on greek yogurt and oatmeal lately, T wanted me to get quinoa and a couple other things. I ended up getting pb, sweet potatoes, hummus. Fat and protein, starch, and fat and protein, plus haven’t had those items in a while.
It is very discouraging to see that my list of “ok” foods are beginning to dwindle again, and really discouraging that I am purging as often as I am again…. With the help of some amazing people though, I am back where I need to be, trying to nip this in the bud. I am so thankful for the amazing ladies there an am so happy they are a part of my life. They are nothing but amazing, strong women that I admire and look up to.
I gave T a hug, my graduation announcement then headed home for the evening.
Trust the process guys!
And do the next right thing!