My Worth Is Based On My Performance

It has always been something. It may be grades and my academic performance, sports and how many shots I blocked in the goal, or how many times I ran the bases. It may be dependent on how I scored on a test.

My worth is directly correlated with how I performed or succeeded. When I talk about something I accomplished, it is always in a way that makes sure people understood I could  have done better, just in case what I did isn’t up to their standards.

“Yeah, I tore my meniscus and ran the 15k. My time was a hair over an hour and a half… could have been better.”  “Yeah, the average on the test was a 74, I got an 89. Wish it would have been an A.”

I need to work on this. By who’s standards?  If running a 15k in the pouring rain was easy, more people would have been there. If everyone could get an 89 on the Biochemistry test then 74 wouldn’t have been the average.

I am my worst enemy and harshest critic. I’m not even sure who I am comparing myself too, besides everyone, and I can’t be everyone simultaneously… I can barely handle being “me” whoever that is.

But I immediately relate my performance and success to what I deserve and what I am worth. I want to be better, faster, smarter, thinner but stronger.

Well, now I have to get ready for my final presentation.

Practice being human & Trust the process

Namaste

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4 thoughts on “My Worth Is Based On My Performance

  1. As a fellow perfectionist, I can totally relate to that train of thought. Thankfully, college is behind me because school was the worst part of having this trait. An A was not good enough, it had to be 100%. The project needed to be so good that the teacher requested to keep it as an example for future students. Everything had to be outstanding or it was a failure.

    After years of having a therapist remind me that there was only one perfect human and they crucified him on a cross. The relentless pursuit of perfection is always a pursuit, never an actual end goal.

    I definitely still struggle with it. As a mother now, I have a new focus, but the scary part is that there is no grading scale. I get up everyday and do my best, scrutinizing every perceived failure. Ten years of therapy has earned me the ability to recognize the unhealthy relationship I have with the need to be perfect at all times and has helped me to set more realistic goals, but it remains work. It has also helped me to see that the world does not end nor does anyone flog me for an average performance on something instead of being outstanding. I can see my limitations in some areas and am working on accepting those for what they are.

    Keep trying! It does get easier.

    1. And, yes, I can already see that there is a typo and can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. It’s stupid that I stress about these things. Let it go..!

      1. Haha, I do the same thing. Yeah I’m so stressed because I’m graduating, I should already be in a graduate program, or dental program, or masters program or something. My therapist tried to reinforce the mantra of “practice being human”.

      2. Nice mantra! The problem is being human is not good enough for me unless you take the perfect part of every human and roll it up into one expectation. That’s the only “human” that I seem to be able to model my life after!

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