The new therapist… I almost brought to tears.

My new therapist, S. She openly admitted that she doesn’t have much experience with eating disorder patients. She told me my BMI and weight, as a defense mechanism I become quiet and usually just shrug my shoulders, she told me, “That is something childish, that like a 5 year old does. I bet you don’t do that with your professors.” Yesterday she told me, “Why do you throw up?! It’s not like you eat!”

Yet, I still continue to go to her. You may ask “Why?” or “Wow, what the hell, how rude and ignorant.”

Admittedly, I thought these things, more than once too. I continue to go because she is right, and she is honest- brutally honest. While telling an eating disorder patient their BMI and weight might not be the best thing to do, she was trying to make a point. The shrugging of the shoulders? She was right. I made a conscious effort this week to not shrug, and surprise surprise, I opened up and spoke more.

I whole heartedly admire and respect the fact that she is honest. I may not always like what she has to say, but it serves a purpose. S told me she isn’t a specialist. “I work with many people with addictions, but not much experience with eating disorder patients. I have read and researched this and that…. I spoke to your old therapist, C, and she said…..  I called an inpatient place….”  I am grateful that she is putting effort forth, to not just placate me, but to actually do research, look into resources, she is trying. I also find it easier to talk to her, and she calls it as it is.  I really admire these things.

I expressed how I felt about not being healthy, but not being sick. She called me out on it. “Your body is sending you all of these signs…X,Y,Z…. You aren’t listening though, what are you waiting for? By the time your blood work comes back REALLY abnormal, it will be ICU and feeding tube time.”  “The first time I saw you I did think you weighed XX lbs. I thought to myself how small you are. When Dr. M told me how much you weighed I really questioned her and realized that you must have muscle from being an athlete.”

She expressed that she was really concerned about me, she is really worried about my throat. During my appointment it hurt me to talk so bad, I had thrown up so violently the night before and scratched my throat, I was sipping tea, and told her how bad it hurt. That just added to the concern.

I told her I had realized that it didn’t matter if I weighed 90 or 190, If I wasn’t happy with myself it didn’t matter. She told me that was something we could work on, the self esteem and not being so negative to myself.

Without breaking any confidentiality or anything S told me that there was someone who used to go there. They left one days, and a couple months later they died. S also expressed that she believes they were better off physically than she thinks I am. She began to get teary-eyed and I wasn’t sure what to do. It sincerely bothers me that others are so much more concerned about me than I am. I am yet so appreciative to have someone that I feel like genuinely cares, and I’m not just another case on her desk.


3 thoughts on “The new therapist… I almost brought to tears.

  1. I was never a 70 pound anorexic therefore in my mind, I was never sick. Even when they showed me my blood work with my white blood cell count half of the low end of normal-barely any immune system left, I was not sick. After I recovered my weight, I never was able to get enough fat around my organs to keep my major blood vessels from collapsing onto my intestines causing a chronic partial bowel obstruction requiring major surgery to re-route my intestines. Even then, in my mind, I was never sick.

    I would love to tell you to trust me, but I know the mindset you are trapped in. It’s a horrendous lie that the eating disorder tells us to keep us entangled. I had to learn to recognize my own voice in the midst of all the eating disorder noise and free myself tentacle by tentacle. Even today I struggle with the thoughts, but I know what recovery looks like. There is an actual life out there to live once you free yourself from these thoughts, Keep pressing forward. Eventually something will stick enough for you to grasp onto!

  2. I have been to Renfrew several times, seen “experts” in the field and I promise you that they did not make a difference (or at least they were not different in how they did therapy). Over 20 years later I found myself struggling again. In a way I’m angry (or maybe just sad) that no one ever focused on my real issues. No one ever asked why I did the crazy stuff I was doing…not until just months ago did someone challenge me by saying over and over again “so you are doing this for no reason!?” I didn’t say anything that session but I think I did the next session. Maybe I was just ready, I don’t know. Or maybe the other treatment did work as I had 10 healthy years and two healthy babies (7.11 lbs and 9 lbs).
    That’s a really long way of saying I think your therapist is doing a good job and you seem to respond well to the intervention. My therapist now doesn’t tolerate sick very well and focuses little on my actual eating or weight. Sometimes it’s so frustrating because that’s all I want to focus on because it’s easy and never solved. Anorexia is crazy strong. I didn’t realize how sick I was last year until I looked at pics and now I can’t believe it. I’m still underweight but healthy. Still diagnosed with AN but I think it’s for insurance purposes…lol, or maybe not. I’m rambling now so I guess I will stop. But you can do it!!!!

  3. I’m so glad you have a therapist who is really trying to understand you and is truly caring about you, and the deeper issues behind the eating, and calls you out on things. That is so important. I just got a new therapist at my Inpatient place last week and I really like her a lot too, it’s really good to have people that can help us in the journey to recovery. Thanks so much for sharing this, I hope you post more updates soon as to how you’re doing. Hang in there, and keep fighting, I can tell from reading this you have a lot of clear perspective and fight in you and a wise approach to this and that will get you so far. Don’t give up.

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