My new therapist, S. She openly admitted that she doesn’t have much experience with eating disorder patients. She told me my BMI and weight, as a defense mechanism I become quiet and usually just shrug my shoulders, she told me, “That is something childish, that like a 5 year old does. I bet you don’t do that with your professors.” Yesterday she told me, “Why do you throw up?! It’s not like you eat!”
Yet, I still continue to go to her. You may ask “Why?” or “Wow, what the hell, how rude and ignorant.”
Admittedly, I thought these things, more than once too. I continue to go because she is right, and she is honest- brutally honest. While telling an eating disorder patient their BMI and weight might not be the best thing to do, she was trying to make a point. The shrugging of the shoulders? She was right. I made a conscious effort this week to not shrug, and surprise surprise, I opened up and spoke more.
I whole heartedly admire and respect the fact that she is honest. I may not always like what she has to say, but it serves a purpose. S told me she isn’t a specialist. “I work with many people with addictions, but not much experience with eating disorder patients. I have read and researched this and that…. I spoke to your old therapist, C, and she said….. I called an inpatient place….” I am grateful that she is putting effort forth, to not just placate me, but to actually do research, look into resources, she is trying. I also find it easier to talk to her, and she calls it as it is. I really admire these things.
I expressed how I felt about not being healthy, but not being sick. She called me out on it. “Your body is sending you all of these signs…X,Y,Z…. You aren’t listening though, what are you waiting for? By the time your blood work comes back REALLY abnormal, it will be ICU and feeding tube time.” “The first time I saw you I did think you weighed XX lbs. I thought to myself how small you are. When Dr. M told me how much you weighed I really questioned her and realized that you must have muscle from being an athlete.”
She expressed that she was really concerned about me, she is really worried about my throat. During my appointment it hurt me to talk so bad, I had thrown up so violently the night before and scratched my throat, I was sipping tea, and told her how bad it hurt. That just added to the concern.
I told her I had realized that it didn’t matter if I weighed 90 or 190, If I wasn’t happy with myself it didn’t matter. She told me that was something we could work on, the self esteem and not being so negative to myself.
Without breaking any confidentiality or anything S told me that there was someone who used to go there. They left one days, and a couple months later they died. S also expressed that she believes they were better off physically than she thinks I am. She began to get teary-eyed and I wasn’t sure what to do. It sincerely bothers me that others are so much more concerned about me than I am. I am yet so appreciative to have someone that I feel like genuinely cares, and I’m not just another case on her desk.