I feel forever stuck in the middle of being consciously aware that what I am currently doing to my body is not “healthy”. I know making myself throw up isn’t normal or healthy. Or going days without eating. Or running miles upon miles on nothing but a cup of coffee. Trust me, I am aware of this.
I am also stuck thinking I am not “sick”. A sick person wouldn’t be able to run 5 miles. A sick person wouldn’t be going to class. If I were truly sick, I would have already been in the hospital by now.
This is where my mind stays. Forever in an eternal conflict.
I’ve been to my therapist this week, my dietitian- twice, a doctor, and I’ve been scheduled with an eating disorder therapist person tomorrow. This week has been ridiculous.
I’m not sure if my dietitian was testing the waters and trying to light a spark, or just giving up. I’ve heard from many different angles the term “inpatient”. I’ve heard how thin I am. I was told that someone died from this, and S believed they were physically doing better than I am. I’ve been told that it is very likely that my esophagus could rupture.
My dietitian told me today: I’m not sure if it is worth it for you to even see me.
Wait… say what?!
Monday, she gave me the task of consuming a spoonfuls of yogurt throughout the day. She also said she would prefer I not run until she saw me Thursday as well. Today I admitted I had continued running, but I had been doing the yogurt. I felt very discouraged and rejected that she had so plainly pretty much told me that there was nothing she could do.
We talked about how I have to want to change and recover. I explained I wanted to get better but was terrifying to me. I still feel torn. Nobody wakes up in the morning and just says, “Oh, hell yes, give me a burger I want to get better.” I figured it was like the Christian idea of forgiveness…. Just do it even though you don’t FEEL like it, and the feeling and mindset will come. I figured I would go through some very unsure, questioning, uncomfortable time, but stick with it, and at some point maybe I would be more willing and mentally understanding. Then to feel shot down.
I asked her, “So then what? Is it just a waiting game until I “feel” like recovering?”
I would have liked a structured plan, short term goals, something… instead I just felt shot down and defeated, pushed away, discouraged. Both my Dr. and S thought a dietitian would be the way to go.
I’m not sure if the dietitian was just trying to get a spark and wanted me to feel motivated, or was having a rough day, or just genuinely believes that she won’t help or what it is.
Are there some magical steps I am missing? Everyone else sees me and my size. I see a whale. I don’t know if I just continue to wait, but then what? I told her I’ve dealt with this for so long that if I don’t choose to recover now, then when?
Do I see if S can help me with the dysmorphia and self esteem thing first? Then if I can truly see my size and body hope and pray I realize my size and that I need help…then go back to the dietitian?
I honestly appreciated the “team” I had going. From the therapist, to doctor, to dietitian. I felt like that was what I needed. Having people from all sides trying and being on my side, willing to help.
I’m obviously trying, otherwise I wouldn’t have forced so many spoonfuls of yogurt down my trap, and continued to show up to all of these appointments. I understand I need to be motivated, I am trying, step by step. It is so hard to want to try though when I feel like I keep getting knocked down or pushed away.