Is there an “I” in Team?

I feel forever stuck in the middle of being consciously aware that what I am currently doing to my body is not “healthy”. I know making myself throw up isn’t normal or healthy. Or going days without eating. Or running miles upon miles on nothing but a cup of coffee. Trust me, I am aware of this.

I am also stuck thinking I am not “sick”. A sick person wouldn’t be able to run 5 miles. A sick person wouldn’t be going to class. If I were truly sick, I would have already been in the hospital by now.

This is where my mind stays. Forever in an eternal conflict.

I’ve been to my therapist this week, my dietitian- twice, a doctor, and I’ve been scheduled with an eating disorder therapist person tomorrow. This week has been ridiculous.

I’m not sure if my dietitian was testing the waters and trying to light a spark, or just giving up. I’ve heard from many different angles the term “inpatient”. I’ve heard how thin I am. I was told that someone died from this, and S believed they were physically doing better than I am. I’ve been told that it is very likely that my esophagus could rupture.

My dietitian told me today: I’m not sure if it is worth it for you to even see me.

Wait… say what?!

Monday, she gave me the task of consuming a spoonfuls of yogurt throughout the day. She also said she would prefer I not run until she saw me Thursday as well. Today I admitted I had continued running, but I had been doing the yogurt. I felt very discouraged and rejected that she had so plainly pretty much told me that there was nothing she could do.

We talked about how I have to want to change and recover. I explained I wanted to get better but was terrifying to me. I still feel torn. Nobody wakes up in the morning and just says, “Oh, hell yes, give me a burger I want to get better.”  I figured it was like the Christian idea of forgiveness…. Just do it even though you don’t FEEL like it, and the feeling and mindset will come.  I figured I would go through some very unsure, questioning, uncomfortable time, but stick with it, and at some point maybe I would be more willing and mentally understanding. Then to feel shot down.

I asked her, “So then what? Is it just a waiting game until I “feel” like recovering?”

I would have liked a structured plan, short term goals, something… instead I just felt shot down and defeated, pushed away, discouraged. Both my Dr. and S thought a dietitian would be the way to go.

I’m not sure if the dietitian was just trying to get a spark and wanted me to feel motivated, or was having a rough day, or just genuinely believes that she won’t help or what it is.

Are there some magical steps I am missing?  Everyone else sees me and my size. I see a whale. I don’t know if I just continue to wait, but then what? I told her I’ve dealt with this for so long that if I don’t choose to recover now, then when?

Do I see if S can help me with the dysmorphia and self esteem thing first? Then if I can truly see my size and body hope and pray I realize my size and that I need help…then go back to the dietitian?

I honestly appreciated the “team” I had going. From the therapist, to doctor, to dietitian. I felt like that was what I needed. Having people from all sides trying and being on my side, willing to help.

I’m obviously trying, otherwise I wouldn’t have forced so many spoonfuls of yogurt down my trap, and continued to show up to all of these appointments. I understand I need to be motivated, I am trying, step by step. It is so hard to want to try though when I feel like I keep getting knocked down or pushed away.


3 thoughts on “Is there an “I” in Team?

  1. I don’t know how much education you have about eating disorders, but one thing the my therapist told me– that just really struck me– is that just like an addictions, ED can change your brain. So, we throw up, that release feel good hormones, and eventually, it creates this cycle of we know it’s not good, but we are, in a way, “addicted” to the ED behavior. So, in the beginning, changing is terrififying. She told me that even knowing what I do is not healthy, and wanting to change, but being scared is enough at this point. That as I break the cycle, little by little, learn not to restrict, learn to not throw up, I will be more motivated to get better. I don’t know if that makes sense.

    1. That does make sense. Thank you. Guess I’m just discouraged because I’m not sure if she is waiting for me to get “scared enough” or just throwing the ball in my court and seeing if I’m motivated to stick with her.

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