I try to think of quirky titles, this one is kind of obnoxious, but it works.
Many things lately have changed. During my last doctor appointment she had decided I needed to get back into therapy and knew that if she didn’t make the appointment it wasn’t going to get done and I wasn’t going to go. So, I went on Fall Break, met some hot ass guys, saw a picture of myself where my legs looked like toothpicks, I was appalled and thrilled and the same time.
So, since I’ve quit seeing C, I had a new appointment last week with a new therapist, SS. That was stressful as hell. I had to leave class early, I told my professor so she didn’t think I was just leaving mid lecture. With each passing minute I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Watching my watch get closer and closer to me having to leave. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry, throw up, or pass out. My legs beneath me weak, my breathing shallow, and my hands shaking. I got up, collected my things and left class to begin the drive to the clinic. I arrived, and sat in my car for about ten minutes. Wondering if it was still possible to cancel my appointment.
As I sat there, filling out the new paperwork, I watched people, heard my own heartbeat over everything else. I felt like I was on high alert. Everyone who walked in, the chain attaching the pen to the clipboard sounded miraculously loud in the deafening silence. Finally I heard a door open that was out of sight and heard my name. My shaking hands collected my keys as my trembling legs collected me. I followed SS to her office as she gestured me to have a seat, and so began the perfunctory new patient routine. “So, who referred you?” “Dr. M” “Ok, why don’t you tell me why she referred you and why you think you’re here. They may be different.” “Umm, I’m not sure, I guess… Uh…*shrugs shoulders*.” “Ok, well where are you from?” “Around here.” “Oh, so you went to the high school?” “Yeah.” “How was high school for you?” This went on for quite a while…. we talked about the sports I played, what I’m doing in college, she asked about my parents, my home life growing up (which is ridiculously uncomfortable for me, I hate talking about my family).
Finally, “Alright, so, I’m still not quite understanding why Dr. M referred you here.” “I guess I struggle with an eating disorder.” There it was, out on the table… “Well, you look healthy.” I always take that as “You’re too fat to have an eating disorder…” Oh well. The majority of my appointment was me shrugging and responding with “I don’t know.” or “I’m not sure.”
She seemed shocked that I didn’t have a boyfriend… Sweetheart, you already got my life story about my home life. You are not getting my screwed up track record with all the guys…. So, I shrugged and said, “Too self conscious, insecure, and not too many guys want to run 5 miles with me.”
“Running is your happy place huh? It’s like your prozac so you don’t have to take any right? But why do you run? Is it because you don’t think you deserve food? Do you really enjoy running? Or is it punishment?”
Well, that was a thrilling day.
The next day was Friday, I went out of town to go do a run. That was fun, besides my killer leg cramp that exploded mid run. My damn leg just doesn’t want to cooperate and quit locking up.
Today, I met with a nutritionist. I knew her from my chiropractor office, she knew me from our short little conversations. To everyone they always seem so shocked that I am not the peppy, happy girl everyone sees. We talked for quite a while, about how I have no self confidence, I wish I was XX lbs, I play these stupid games, throw up, etc, she understood. I mentioned not eating more that XXX calories, but knowing I have to run X miles, or throwing up daily, or going XX days without eating…. She kind of hit me with something I would hit my kids at work with, you give them an “option” so the individual feels like they have a say, but in reality they are playing into what you want.
Ex: “Susie, you either sit down and start your homework, or you can sit out from computer time.” They either do what they don’t want to do, but you want them to, or they don’t get what they want.
So, it went something like, “I think we should meet up again. I have a better idea of where to start with you and goals.” “Oh hell. Sounds scary, ok… when, what, where?” “I was thinking we could go on a walk, not run, but just a walk tomorrow. This will involve food.” “Well, I’m not sure, I mean I don’t know.” “You pick the time and place tomorrow, because in all honesty I wasn’t sure if you were going to show up today. You either meet up with me tomorrow and we will walk, or you have to eat XXX calories and keep them down.” Now I know she won’t be there to be the purging police, but out of respect I can at least show up tomorrow, especially if she understands and is willing to help.
So guess we will see….