Here I sit in a coffee shop on campus, staring blankly at my chemistry lab report that I have barely began to touch.
Reflecting on yesterday morning when Dr. A nearly brought me to tears, and sitting here literally dreading lunch. Dr. A was the one I had lunch with about two weeks ago (you can probably already see what direction this is headed in), she saw me sitting in the lobby of one of the building yesterday morning. She came and sat down next to me at the same table and pretty bluntly just asked if I had been eating. I began to smile and nod, which quickly turned into me just shaking my head with a half attempt at a smile. This feels almost embarrassing to openly admit to somebody that no, I haven’t eaten. She offered up another lunch date and I thanked her for the offer, but I couldn’t Thursday, but possibly Friday might be an option. She made a comment that, “I’ll have to take you somewhere and have you load up on donuts.” I politely laughed at her attempt at a joke.
I gestured to my coffee and said “I have coffee.” “I don’t think that counts. Is there cream init?” “No. If it is good coffee I’ll drink it black.” “Then no, it doesn’t count.” She began to walk away to face the day head on with her sweet personality, smile, and motherly affection.
Then, she turned around and came back. I had already began writing notes from a powerpoint for a quiz. “You know what, my husband and I made an awesome dinner last night and I brought it for lunch; grilled veggies with some ground up turkey. It was really good, and I will even give it to you if you will eat it.” My defensive sassy side was starting to bubble up, quickly I shoved it aside and lying through my teeth I said, “Thank you so much, that is so sweet, but I’m ok, I’ll eat something on the way to work.” “Ok, well eat something healthy today.”
I wasn’t sure if I should be pissed as hell because what I eat is none of anyone’s business, or be appreciative-ish, that she cared. I guess when I open up to people, I shouldn’t be surprised when they have something to say. I got all teary eyed when she was walking away. That was so sweet of her, she was going to offer me her own lunch because she wanted me to eat. I have such a mental block over that. She is stuck at school, she was going to give me her lunch for the day, because she was concerned I wasn’t going to eat.
So anyway, I got home last night, and my best friend/roommate/sister-ish came in my room and we began to talk. She said, “I saw Dr. A at school, she mentioned getting lunch with you tomorrow.” Well, shit. I guess I should have emailed her hours ago. So guess her and I are getting lunch today.
I don’t want to. I am not hungry, I feel sick. I want nothing to do with food. Lunch is going to be miserable. This wont be enjoyable, it is going to be a chore. She is a sweet heart though, and I am grateful for the people in my life.