Somewhere in between graduating college in Biology and attempting to have a life. This is my story of my running, working, relationships, school, friends and support. My ups, downs, complete failures, and undenying truths along the way. Oh, did I mention I am recovering from an eating disorder in the midst of it all? Welcome to life in recovery…. it gets a little bumpy.
I should never make big decisions when I am upset. Today I talked to my boss and put in my two weeks notice. I am filled with a mix of dread, fear, excitement and guilt. I love my children. They wear me out and infuriate me at times, but I love them just the same.
I honestly believe it is a matter of time until I pass out behind the wheel. I never thought I’d say that. On the way to and from my house I can feel my eyes getting heavier, my driving becoming more like that of a drunks and getting closer and closer to the guard rail. My vision is still kinda blurry, my mind is fuzzy, my legs crampy and achy. My mom and I actually had a brief talk today about my eating disorder, that didn’t end in a fight… CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?!?! I called her between sobs and classes today. I wanted her opinion on quitting and told her that I was looking into treatment in Raleigh, NC.
“You mean, stay at a treatment facility?”
“For what?! Your eating?”
“Um okayy???… *awkward silence*… I mean.. I mean… ok…”
“I’ll be by in a few minutes, it’s a long story.”
I stopped by the house. I already had a mental pep talk going on in my head on the drive over there, “Mom, I’m not asking for your permission or even your support. This is kind of what I am planning, and it may go through, it may not…Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m going to say.” I thought to myself. I was already mentally dressing myself in armor and bulletproof vests to deflect any words that would come stabbing out of the vile beast’s mouth (yes, I did just call her a vile beast).
Telling her the whole story of what was pretty much an ultimatum that was thrown at me. The stress of work, and my possible plan. I told her that if it worked out I’d be gone in December. My little sister, who was standing right there, began to hand me anything in sight. I don’t cry and she didn’t know how to handle seeing her big sister having a melt down. “Please eat something.” mom would say between my sentences of work. “Mom, I can’t.” “Please, something, the pasta is good. There is fruit, here take fruit.” My sister began to hand me a cashew, then glitter glue, then an orange. She just wanted me to be my peppy self again and stop with the break down, anything to see a smile on my face. She is a ten year old nut, a mini-me, she means the world to me. “I can’t eat, I will throw up. I had something last night, but other than that I ate Monday.” So, I left my house with saltine crackers and cut up melon. I grabbed my purse as I was headed out the door and realized my sister had shoved about 3 oranges inside. I looked up at her to see her laughing with her big grin and playing dumb.
I talked to my boss and found out what I had been told from the director, versus what the principal herself had to say to me, were two totally different things. Still, I handed her my two weeks notice, and went on with my day. Still full of fear, slight regret, but a tad bit of excitement, guess I will see what is to come in the next few weeks or so.