“We don’t have anything here to fit you.”

“Are you shopping for you or someone else?”
Uhm, us, well, me.
“Oh, well, we aren’t going to have anything in here to fit you…..”
My eyes darted from her body to mine, and back to hers. “What was I missing?” I thought to myself. I thought her and I were about the same size. I don’t understand. No, this isn’t some Abercrombie and Fitch fat shaming. 
“….our store starts at a size 12.”

————-

Shopping sucks, I haven’t eaten in about a week. Even with this ED I recently fell into a great article about thin privilege.Unfortunately, it is so true. I don’t get judged for eating something, hell, at this point people praise me and cry when I eat. I get attention at stores. If I want pants or a shirt it is almost always in stock, and I have the ability to get it for fairly cheap. The only one who judges my body seems to be me. Yeah, I’ve heard it all from “fat ass” to “chicken legs”. I have never been called petite or tiny until this year. I have lost quite a bit of weight.  I don’t have any pants that fit, no bras besides sports bras.
I am jealous.
Jealous of the girls who wear whatever they want.
Jealous of the girls who see food as food and not as numbers.
Jealous of the girls who are bigger than me, but radiate, just absolutely RADIATE self confidence.
I want that. I want confidence. To not wake up in the morning and hate myself.
To wear something other than yoga pants, running shorts and sweats and not hate my body.
 
 
C, called me today to see if I had pursued anyone/anything/any place else for treatment or made an appointment. I didn’t have much to say. I slept all of maybe four hours last night. I ate for the first time in six days yesterday. My best friend kinda forced me to, then told me, “If you have to go to the bathroom it’s ok.”  Wait, did my best friend just give me permission to throw up? Should I be pissed or thrilled? Excited or appalled? ….going off on a tangent, oops…. So, I ate a little, threw up what I could, but woke up in the middle of the night with muscle spasms and my stomach being pissed as hell that I had eaten. I was curled up in pain, regretting eating at all. Fucking food. So, anyway, C, called. I told her I hadn’t much thought about it, the ED specialist was only there one day a week and because of work and school that is literally the one day I can’t go. She threw out a couple of options. I mentioned possibly going to something on campus, she threw out the idea of coming to her office. Either way she was really pushing the fact that I need to go somewhere or do something. My best friend was standing right there while I was on the phone. Didn’t bother me one bit. She sat there silently as C went on about scheduling an appt, dr appt, something. I told her that my best friend was really pushing residential during December, “That would be great, if we can keep you healthy that long.” gee thanks…. 
On the plus side, I actually bought pants yesterday. Bought my plane ticket for Thanksgiving! I am so tired. Hate headaches. My legs are still cramping. Dysmorphia and ED are both bitches. 

—————-

Employee at another store:
“Can I help you find something? Oh girl, try this. These would look great. What size pants are you?”
“I have no clue.” 
“Well, it’s gonna be itty bitty whatever it is.”
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2 thoughts on ““We don’t have anything here to fit you.”

  1. Hello my Love,

    I just got all caught up with your blog (I was in a deep hole of depression for the last few weeks and just finally emerged), and I just want to say that I’m so worried for you but I am so jealous at the same time!! It’s so fucked up. I really hope this isn’t triggering; I’m so sorry for sharing how I feel but I so want to be disappearing, too, and I miss when I used to go to clothing stores and the people would tell me I was tiny and that everything must look good on me and when they went to grab clothes for me they’d ask me if I was a 0 or 2.

    But I know how sick you are. There was also a time where I couldn’t eat anything without my mind automatically making a mental tally of the calories. My mind was obsessed and it did it completely against my will, even when I fought against it. And there was a time where I wouldn’t eat healthy granola bars or anything with carbohydrates (even any breading on meat) and basically stuck to only a few simple items that were almost purely protein. But somehow I was able to let go of all that over the years. And now I have a completely different problem: eating everything in sight.

    Please, please take care of yourself. These leg cramps of yours are not a good sign – I’m sure you know that. Your electrolytes are off balance which causes contraction of the muscles. Please, even if you don’t want calories, could you add some Powerade Zero liquid to your water? At least you’ll get some electrolytes. And please stay hydrated. I’m sorry to sound so preachy but it’s a hazard of my profession: serious heart problems can occur from an imbalance of electrolytes and from your body breaking down heart muscle to use as energy. That would be catastrophic. Please, my dear, I worry about you so much. I urge you to get help. Help doesn’t mean being fat, I promise.

    Sending you lots of love,
    K

  2. Hey my dear! Glad you are back on here 🙂
    Yeah, a few people have expressed concern about my intense leg cramps. They are bad. I also fell at work and they think I have a hairline fracture of my sacrum and coccox. I probably should have eaten within that week, but nooooo.
    It is so weird to think that people are concerned, or jealous. I still don’t see myself as tiny, sick, etc. I still continually see myself as “not thin enough” “not sick enough.” “Oh, I’m fine, if onlyu I were like HER”.
    I have missed your comments. Stay well!
    I’m always here for support or venting 🙂

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