Never Enough

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. Someone was telling me that the amount I work out was “excessive”. I told her that it was only 3 miles, if it was 5 or something then maybe it would be excessive. Then it became 5 miles, “It’s only 5 miles, if it was 7 or something then maybe.” Now it’s become 7 miles.
The voice has became increasingly worse. “You aren’t thin enough to have an eating disorder.” “You aren’t sick enough.” “You are too fat.”, It goes on and on… louder and louder.
I am struggling so bad to not cancel my appointment for this week. I don’t see me as sick, or this a problem. I wish I was 90 lbs, emaciated, tiny, etc. Even if I was 90 I would just want to be smaller.
Slowly becoming nothing but air and bones. A pile of what used to be me. I want to just slowly become nothing, disappearing underneath the layers of clothes.
C asked me a couple weeks ago how much I weighed. When I told her she said that I looked like I wanted to kill someone. To be honest I was just trying to read her expression, trying to judge if I had lost weight, trying to measure her reaction.
Ideally, I want to cancel my appointment, keep going to school, and not do anything. I keep telling myself that if I pass out and end up in the hospital I’ll do something then. No I won’t, I’d just use the excuse “You are still too fat and it was only once.”
It will never be enough.
My best friend was going to go to my appointment with me, but now I’m not sure. She doesn’t understand, she doesn’t get it. I don’t expect her to, and am thankful she doesn’t. It takes everything in me not to just scream, “I HAVENT EATEN ANYTHING IN THREE DAYS!” Yes, I eat. Today it was coffee and a handful of almonds. If I hadn’t been sitting in class I probably would have thrown that up too. I either don’t eat, which starts a snowball effect and lasts anywhere from days to about two weeks. Or, as usual, I throw up. I can’t remember the last time I went a single day without sticking my fingers down my throat. 
Giving up sounds so tempting. Not like anything bad is going to happen to me anyway, I’m not that lucky.
Even with lifting weights, my logic is “My body eats muscle before fat. If I can turn this part of my body into muscle I may gain a little weight, but then hopefully my body will eat the muscle and I’ll become small.”
Never enough.
Never tiny enough.
Never sick enough.
Never enough miles.
Never enough purging.
Never enough starving.
Never thin enough.


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