If you are expecting to read about some accomplishing self-love endeavor today, then I implore you to stop reading this post now. However, if you are ready to read about a young woman’s persistent and unfailing spark of love for her little sister then I urge you to read on. This “Little Me” I speak of, is not actually me, but yet my little sister. As I woke up this morning, the horrible shooting pain of leg cramps radiate from my feet to my knees. I decided against going to the clinic today because I was just honestly so damn tired. So I decided to go see how my sister was doing.
“You are right.” those words taste like battery acid across my lips, but yes, I am numb. Numb to the fact I hate myself, food, etc. Numb to the possible repercussions of what COULD happen. The only thing I seem to show any passion about is my sister. I honestly feel like I couldn’t care less about passing out, electrolytes, car wreck, whatever, but you mess with my sister and bitch me comes out.
Today I picked my sister up, it was the first time my mom and I have talked in two weeks.
The two of us went blueberry picking and spent some time together, I listened as she talked about the pool, her dancing class, being sore and everything else under the sun. Picking blueberries in large amounts, carrying a bucket, loving the sun and the fresh blueberries, spending time with my sister which I hadn’t done in forever.
I would do anything for her and I love her to death. One of my biggest fears is her going through an eating disorder, I would have her admitted to someplace so quick. I can’t imagine my life without her. Some of my own choices scare me.
My logic about life is, “If you wanna go screw your own life up, then fine, but do not take anybody down with you.” Even C expressed concern with me driving on so little food, if I do wreck or something happens I would never want her to be in the car with me. Driving around today I began to get dizzy and my vision was blurry. It was scary to think that I would not only put myself in that situation by getting behind the wheel of a car, but that I would possibly put my sister in a dangerous situation where something could happen.
I couldn’t care less about myself, health, etc, but it means everything to me to show love and encouragement to my little sister.