False. Everything in my life revolves around food. Today I attempted to eat, the results were about as successful as my attempt to fly- crash and burn, landing and all.
I have come to the understanding that whether it is school, work or recovery, I get out of it what I put into it. So today has been extremely difficult. My coworker asked me if I wanted lunch, when everything in me screamed no and I knew I would be tempted to purge somewhere deep down in me knew that skipping lunch wasn’t going to accomplish anything. So I fought myself for quite a lengthy amount of time and agreed to lunch.
So, as I was hunched over the toilet, fingers down my throat, watching my freshly eaten lunch come up I began to think. “It is ridiculous that I was told to keep something down, daily, other than just a piece of fruit or vegetable. That is just ridiculous. Not that she is asking too much, but that it should be common sense and nobody should have to ask that.”
I attempted to eat today. Three times. Three times I attempted to eat. Three fucking times I failed. The first was an attempt at a mid morning snack of pistachios and a peach, regret began to build up and take over inside of me. Then lunch, as the mix of spinach, avocado, tomato, black beans and blood came up I was too lethargic to even care. After I got home I made myself a mixture of feta, cucumber and tomato with balsamic vinegar. The physical pain from purging earlier had me hurting and the same regrettable torment arose. I made the slow trudge to the bathroom where I sat on the floor, discouraged, exhausted and dreading what was soon to come.
Lately the thought of a pro and con list has been circling through my mind daily. I feel so conflicted about this entire thing. I don’t want to live in this tormenting hell forever, but the thought of recovery is just scary, I’m not even sure why. So here is my list-ish
>Being thin-ish, I can steal my little brother and sister’s clothes. I have my brother’s hoodie, t-shirts, pair of his sweat pants. After one of our runs I had to ask my little sister if these shorts were hers or mine; she assured me she didn’t bring hers, those were mine. (My brother is 13, my sister is 10. I probably shouldn’t find it funny that I can’t tell my sister’s shorts from mine.) Plus, kid size clothing is cheaper.
>Physically draining. Whether it is my headaches, getting sick, the physical pain when I try to eat, or whatever. I am always cold. Always, I dress in leggings and my sweet ass socks daily. Doesn’t matter if it is 8 degrees or 80, blue nails, chilled to the bone. This is how I dress….. Almost all the time. Work, school, lounging at the house. I’m so fucking cold. I love my socks.
>Fucked up relationships, with everyone and everything.
>I am thin-ish. Good and bad. Attention, ribs, etc, but I told someone the other day how I wanted to get some cute clothes, she responded, “They won’t fit long.” I got pissed.
>The sense of control, even though I really know who/what controls which.
That is pretty much all I got right now. My throat hurts from hurling 3x today. Gonna curl up with a cup of tea and hopefully go to bed. I want some wine but I’m afraid that will sting. I got my nails done a few weeks ago, with the good hard shellac. That is all fine and dandy, but now it is coming off and my nails are so shitty that they are peeling and flaking off along with the paint. Dammit.
My boss is already pissing me off. I had expectations of going to therapy on some Fridays. With my work schedule I would have to leave like an hour early to get there. She is already pulling the, “Oh, well I just don’t know if that will work…” bull shit. I have seniority over everyone there, including her! and she is gonna try that shit. I am very tempted to just sass her and throw it all on the table, “I am leaving early to go to my appointment to get help with my eating disorder. You can either let me leave a little early or wait until I pass out at work and deal with this then.”
I wish I was thin enough to be able to go to some inpatient or residential place and literally be forced to stop throwing up. The choices and decisions I have made so far are less than desirable, so what if my choices get taken away. I just want a *poof* moment, where I wake up and don’t hate myself and can eat like a normal person.
Guess we will just see.