Lackadaisical

I used to be afraid of drinking my calories, still am, I also used to have a much higher tolerance for alcohol. I guess when the net calories are under 100, and that I am 21, I can do whatever I want. Sometimes I just purely don’t even care anymore.
The fact I hardly eat, isn’t as hard as the small amount of alcohol it now takes to make my head spin. Whether that is from the lack of nutrition or the excess alcohol I am unsure.
Realizing just the other day how much worse my restricting has become has really hit me lately. I hadn’t realized how fucked up my eating has gotten until it was brought to my attention. Being told, “Just keep something down, besides just fruit and veggies.” sounds like a simple task- holy shit, it isn’t for me. This is awful. There is stuff I used to eat that I wouldn’t even think about now. Whole eggs, bread, lunch meat (gross!!), peanut butter (omg, I used to love pb), the obvious bread products, the obvious dairy products, cereal, granola and clif bars, soda of any kind, canned tuna, rice, bananas. Damn, this really has gotten worse. Rice has become quinoa, greek yogurt is no longer in my daily diet, lunch meat has become a fear food, as well as the tuna. This is slightly ridiculous.
My foods consist of blueberries, air popped popcorn, ezekiel bread, egg white, veggies and other fruits…. That is about it. How I still function is beyond me, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t still functioning as well as I am, I don’t understand.
Not sure if I am just getting older and have less fucks to give. If I am just bored because I deactivated my Facebook, or have consumed wayyyy too much “Skinny Girl” alcohol. (Probably all the above). Either way I have also realized how my small filter going from my brain to mouth has become defective lately.
Sassing C more, sassing the people at work more, and honestly just not giving a shit. I feel like I used to sit in silence at my appointments, making very little talk. Comments like, “I am really tired, I got nothing.” came out of my mouth. Last year that never would have happened. Even worse, she said something about me passing out -I laughed! I’m not sure if it is just my walls being thrown up for protection, be not caring, or being so full of doubt, deceit and denial. I felt awful, I thought how rude and disrespectful to laugh. The people that are actually trying to help try to get in between my eating disorder and Me, and somehow that just throws a wrench in everything, that I am not used to at all. Realizing I probably couldn’t get up and walk right now, plus I have work in a few hours, I am going to try and go to bed.

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4 thoughts on “Lackadaisical

  1. I know it’s not healthy for you and I should encourage you to stop, but that would be hypocritical of me because all I can think about is how envious I am of your motivation and self-control and how much I would do anything to be in your position right now. I’m in such a bad spot right now. I need something like this. How do you do it?

    1. I can’t not do it. I don’t understand. I run so much, consume so little but yet am still pretty healthy. It’s guilt, fear, idk.
      Some days it brings me so much joy to consume nothing and other days I realize how screwed up that is.
      I was given one thing to do, “consume something daily, and keep it down, besides just fruit and veggies.” my entire diet consists of those two.
      I enjoy reading your stuff a lot btw and sorry about all the crap you have going on.

      1. Hello Love,

        I guess we are both fucked up in our own ways. hahaha… I loved your post where you talk about how much you swear. I do, too, even though I try not to. And I really appreciate your good wishes and am happy that you read my blog, too 🙂 Lately things have been particularly bad, but honestly I do not remember the last time I was truly, purely happy.

        I wish you much luck with your goals this week. You need to eat more; I need to eat less. I have no problem with physical pain: I have been told numerous times by healthcare professionals and others that I have a high pain tolerance, but for some reason I cannot handle being hungry. It is ridiculous. My head spins and my heart races and my stomach churns and my insides burn – and it makes it so impossible for me to starve. It’s so dumb, too, because I have far than enough excess fat to live off of.

        I also used to run a lot.. but I think since I have gotten older it has been harder for me to keep up my physical endurance. That, and my body was not made for physical exercise. It’s too dainty and I have some minor heart problems and weak bones and whatnot. I am so jealous that you can run so much. I want to run the way you do. And I want to starve the way you do.

        I am so glad I found your blog 🙂

        xoxo,
        K

  2. It sounds awful, but I am jealous that you have physical problems. I will go days and days without eating and yet my body seems to tolerate it fairly well. I wish something bad would happen, more funky blood work, passing out, something. If only I could go into inpatient or something. I want a *poof* all better moment. haha

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