ED and Others Just Don’t Mix

I wonder if I will eat today. This is one of the first thoughts that pop into my mind every morning when I wake up.
No, I’m not living in some third world country where clean water is difficult to come by, nor am I living in a poverty stricken town where homelessness is the norm. I live in the gorgeous mountains of North Carolina where the only thing that seems to be affecting the population is ignorance. My question on what I will consume on a daily basis is rooted by my struggle with food.
The list of “safe foods” I allow myself to eat is about as short as my patience, especially when dealing with people. Sarcasm oozes from my pores, I am a bitch who says stuff at the drop of a hat, I hate people, and even more I hate myself.
You know that voice that beats you down? For some it is the mere, “Why did you do that?” or “Damn, I did awful on that test.” This is similar, “You are dumb, why did you chose that?!”. Except, she likes to push me to the extreme. “You don’t have to eat today.” “Bet she doesn’t eat THAT.” Or the taunting challenge of, “You can’t make it until Wednesday without eating.” The name calling, the harsh criticism that I put on myself every day.
Then, the worst, when you tell somebody and they just EXPECT you to be fine. Like it is a choice, “Oh, just eat.” (If you have ever struggled with an ED then you have probably heard this, as cliché as it is.) or the “It isn’t that hard, just have something.” “Why are you doing this?” “Are you trying to prove something?”
Sometimes it is just a shitty blasé attitude of not giving a damn, you figure you aren’t really sick, or sick enough, or it can’t get worse, or you just honestly have no fucks to give because that requires energy, which you don’t physically have to exert.
Talking with others about this is pretty damn useless unless the person is actually ridiculously patient, loves you dearly and, at least for me, spends the majority of their time with you. Even then they will say the wrong thing and piss you off, it is inevitable. From various people I have heard:
• Just eat
• Knock it off
• You are selfish
• There are starving kids all over the world
• You just don’t WANT to stop
• Pray to get better
• You wouldn’t be so absorbed by this if your little brother ended up in the hospital with cancer.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I do believe in prayer, and I have heard amazing stories. At the same time I do think it is going to take way more than sitting on my happy ass praying to get better. Trust me, I have wanted a *POOF* moment for years, it isn’t happening. It took a lot of self restraint not to fly off the handle and say, “Well yeah, some people pray about having kids and get them…” (She has tried to have kids for a couple years now with no success)
The starving kids one royally pissed me off, along with the one about my brother. I am very protective over him, he is MY brother, and YOU do not drag him into this. Guilt trips “starving kids” just piss me off to the point of fucking exploding. The one about my brother I was very proud of myself, sitting there in silence…. Clenching my jaw and fist so tight to the point of shaking, seeing red and visualizing myself slamming her head through the front windshield. When she was done I got out of the car, got in my car and headed home. Later that evening I sent her a message, “I did not appreciate what you said about my brother at all. My little brother has nothing to do with the fact I have an eating disorder. Yes, it might temporarily take my mind off of my eating, but even then I would go right back to it, or in all honesty, it might get way worse because I would be so stressed out and scared about him.”
People seem to not really think before they open their mouths sometimes, I too am guilty of this. A question I want to ask people that seem to be so ignorant is, “Do you really think I want to stick my head in public toilets?!” I mean really. I have stuck my head in more public toilets than I even care to think about. It isn’t one of my favorite things to do:
LIKES LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, DOGS, RUNNING AND STICKING HER HEAD IN PUBLIC TOILETS.
Yes, I might have lost weight, but so what, it will never be enough.
• Chapped lips
• Always cold (It’s summer, I’m wearing a sweatshirt and cabin socks.)
• Blue/brittle nails (I have to get them done so they don’t look like shit)
• My hair’s health has gone to shit
• Sore throat
• Headaches that last for days
• Always (I mean always) tired
• I never want to do anything anymore. Work, gym, home. That’s it.
• Sensitive teeth.
If I do eat something I regret, even something small, I oh so attractive like go into the bathroom, and stick my ice cold fingers down my throat until I sound like a cat bringing up a hair ball. A tear and mascara blend of liquid rolling down my face, vomit slowly oozing down my chin to my neck, and the paranoia of being heard, as a mixture of regrettable food sometimes blood and always shame gets flushed down the toilet.

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2 thoughts on “ED and Others Just Don’t Mix

  1. “If I do eat something I regret, even something small, I oh so attractive like go into the bathroom, and stick my ice cold fingers down my throat until I sound like a cat bringing up a hair ball. A tear and mascara blend of liquid rolling down my face, vomit slowly oozing down my chin to my neck, and the paranoia of being heard, as a mixture of regrettable food sometimes blood and always shame gets flushed down the toilet.”

    This. Just this. Nobody gets this. It’s not a choice, it’s not some glamourous lifestyle. It’s disgusting. But it’s not something that can just be stopped, even when you realize your behavior is not okay. Thank you for your honesty, this whole post really resonated with me.

    1. You are so welcome. Honesty is sometimes my only speciality. It’s unfortunate this post resonated with you, but guess just the sad truth that so many struggle with. Even more sad how many are so ignorant about this.

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