If you have read anything I have posted before, you will probably recall that the relationship between my mother and I is, well, rocky. After a long run this morning, I checked my phone and she, Kathy, showed some slight concern (knowing I hadn’t felt good the past few days). I had mentioned “struggling with food”, Kathy ignored it, life went on. She would drop hints about “are you eating?”, but was done more as a perfunctory motherly routine than genuine concern. She sassed, I sassed, it continued. As it was going on this literally felt like the stages of Loss and Grief. Now, while I am well aware she has not suffered a “loss”, nor is she “grief-stricken”, it was quite amusing/stressful/annoying to watch her messages flood in and the varying emotions attached to them.
Much like the old email “You’ve got mail.” I wish my phone would have alerted during this hour, “You have a pissed off mother text.” and, “Text from a bargaining mom, coming in.”
Now, the definition of “grief” according to Merriam Webster is,
>a cause of deep sadness
>trouble or annoyance
The 5 stages of Loss and Grief are:
-Alright guys, stick with me.-
While I fall more into the trouble or annoyance category, please note the changing of emotions and tones through our conversation. It may not have been in the exact 1, 2, 3 order, but oh is it there. Our short “cliff note” version of our conversation toppled into place in such a fashion as this:
Kathy: Hope you are eating well. Especially with you working and running in this heat.
Me: I got up and ran before it got hot luckily.
M: Coffee. Priorities mother 😛
K: I worry about you and don’t want you in the hospital or passing out.
(My mother only has one volume, and that is loud. We yell. If I had personally been talking with her face to face this would have been screamed, with profanity, not texted.) (denial/anger)
M: More concerned with electrolytes than passing out.
K: Ok than up your electrolytes! And eat!
K: Are you trying to prove something or…?
K: Stubborn runs in family but ya still gotta take care of yourself.
M: Trying to prove something? To who? About what? It’s not just that easy to “eat”.
K: OMG! Yes it is dammit! (more denial/anger)
M: It’s like telling a depressed person to just “be happy” or an alcoholic to just “stop drinking”.
K: I understand… I do! But as the mom person you are scaring me! (acceptance)
M: No, no it isn’t. I’ve thrown up since 8th grade and now you are concerned? Just withing the past year or so I’ve heard all the time “You look so great…”
K: You are bringing your body to a ridiculous unhealthy state. You aren’t going to be unable to accept food and will get very ill!
K: I am so sorry you have an eating disorder. Go back to help. We will pay! I am sorry I didn’t realize. (depression, acceptance)
K: You have the choice to have a nice long life ahead of you…or not… choose a long life please!! (depression, acceptance)
K: Don’t punish yourself because I was a screw up as a mother please! What can I do?!?? I don’t have a time machine! How can we healthy like- go forward?
M: I’m running errands right now. I’ll eventually go back to outpatient. I hate the drive.
K:…or wind up in Er w/ organs shutting down… k gotcha
K: I am very scared for you and don’t know what to do! You are going to wake up in hospital w/ iv’s in you… please address this BEFORE YOU CAN’T! (Anger, depression, acceptance…)
K: Wanna move back home next year… senior year? While you apply for grad schools? (…bargaining)
While this all sounds fine and dandy, my mother’s emotions change like the weather. She may say this stuff now and tomorrow not mean a damn word of it. I feel like at this point I just don’t give a damn and I’m just not to the point of recovery.