Getting a Refund on Recovery?

Recovery is expensive. 

A lot goes into recovery, mentally, physically, financially.

Inpatient, outpatient, residential, doesn’t matter, they are all expensive. 

I am stuck in a slump. The haunting thoughts of “You aren’t skinny enough to have an Ed”, “You aren’t sick enough.” “Too fat, too big, too healthy….” they keep getting louder and louder. 

I could pay for outpatient again, and part of me is so tempted to do so. The other part is the voice that keeps repeating the thoughts of not enough. I am discouraged because I feel like treatment didn’t help last time, so why try again? 

I could go to treatment and drop hundreds of dollars a month, or I could:

  • renew my gym membership to keep me able to purge myself daily on miles upon miles.
  • buy my plane ticket for Thanksgiving so I can spend it with family I actually like that won’t be triggering.
  • get my nails done since mine are chipping, flaking, and look like hell.
  • buy more make up since my entire complexion looks like shit.
  • pay to have my hair done, that way I have an excuse why my hair is falling out.
  • purchase more running shorts and sports bras so I don’t have to actually wear real clothes.
  • register for numerous runs and races that will exhaust me.

All of these sound way more enjoyable than actually going to treatment, sitting down, talking about my feelings, listening to “why I feel that way”, and trying to get me to eat shit I don’t want to eat. 

Is it possible that recovery just isn’t for me?

 

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4 thoughts on “Getting a Refund on Recovery?

  1. “Is it possible that recovery just isn’t for me?”
    Yes, it’s possible. But what seems more likely is that your eating disordered self doesn’t want to leave and will find any excuse to hang on.

  2. I was about the say exactly the sam as abstemious2eternity. Recovery is for you, but the eating disorder is very powerful and doesn’t want to let you.

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