My Adventures On Planet Apathy

I have been in such a slump recently, it is awful. Today my best friend and I took the day off and went shopping.

I realized how much I just don’t even give a damn, and it is kinda scary. I have prayed for my esophagus to rupture, prayed for a heart attack, to pass out at work and get hurt… Anything. 

As for outpatient everyone thinks I should schedule and get back in…. but me. I seem to genuinely just have no interest in recovery right now, which kinda scares me. I am stuck in the indescribable hell of my eating disorder, but fighting takes so much effort lately, and I am in just such a slump I don’t even care. 

My best friend really wants me to get back into treatment, but just hours later she was telling her dad about how she “Has to go back on her diet.”…. great. 

My mom thinks treatment is wasteful and unnecessary. The other people who know all think it is a good idea. 

Everything is just falling aside lately. My religion- Haven’t prayed, read, church, anything in a while. Eating disorder- Well, that’s kinda kicking my ass. My day consists typically of Waking up, gym, work, gym, home, shower, repeat. Myfitnesspal can kiss my ass, my boss can bite me, church I have no interest in, clothes all fucking suck-I do love my Nike shorts though they are the best.  Outpatient is like an hour away, expensive, and didn’t help the first time. Plus, if my own mother doesn’t give a damn about me, why should I give a shit about my own health?

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3 thoughts on “My Adventures On Planet Apathy

  1. Here’s the thing…and this is something that has taken me my entire life to realize…until YOU are ready to change, nothing anyone says, nothing that you think, nothing that can happen will make you feel different. Until the morning when YOU wake up and say “I’m tired of living this way, I’m tired of the eating disorder ruling my life, I’m tired of the pain. I’m done” you’re going to be dealing with it. The only thing that you (and I) can do until we decide to make that change is survive. Be strong, because one day we will wake up and be stronger than our ED, and we will have had enough and decide to make that change. Today is not that day for us, but one day it will be. Stay strong.

  2. Kudos to both of you for supporting. I came across this blog after clicking the tag ‘MyFitnessPal’, which I’m using to help with my health and fitness in a positive way, but then I saw this post and figured I’d comment.

    I don’t have an ED, so I can’t say that ‘I relate’ on that level, but allisonwinters makes a great point about owning yourself via YOU making a change. If there’s any comfort in anything, it’s that there are a boatload of us humans roaming around here, each with our own special set of ‘suck’ to work through. But, we are ALL very worth it, regardless of religion, job, family situation, etc.

    Stay strong and kick some arse in the process!! 🙂

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