My senior year research is this month, what I want to know is Why in the hell did I choose a research that involves me keeping a food log?!?!
At this point I think I’d rather drop out and become a pole dancer, at least I would get abs.
One of his first emails said something to this effect, “You should make an A in this class, do not fudge any of your data or food logs, and read all of my emails.” So this is where I felt like I was in a predicament. Do I: A) Not say anything and cross that bridge when I get to it. B) Just hope he doesn’t think my food log is incomplete or lacking and give me a bad grade. C) Hope he doesn’t pull me into his office because he is “concerned”. or D) Briefly mention it in an email, and also get a doctor’s note.
Well, my best friend advised me that A was probably a bad idea. I wanted to avoid C at all costs because I’m so tired of these dumb lectures. The perfunctory routine lectures of “You’re so pretty.” “What you’re doing isn’t healthy.” “You need to eat.” the even more halfhearted “Im concerned”s. If it was this easy to recover I’d be 100% by now, it is so frustrating to hear the “Just eat.” or the “Don’t skip meals.” As you probably guessed, I went with option D…. Which also led to numerous stressors in itself.
First, involved calling the doctor. I called and spoke with her nurse, and told me that she have the doctor call me back so she could help. So then, all day I was afraid to be on my phone, nervous I’d “Ignore Call” by accident while scrolling through Twitter or Pinterest. Also, I was at work, I was anxious nearly all day, waiting for the call, and knowing the moment we got busy is when she would return my call. It was about two o’clock, we weren’t busy, I was reading Wintergirls, then came the twinkling ringtone of my phone. The conversation was stressful enough and I wasn’t even sure what I wanted or how to go about all this stressful research crap, much less dealing with the food logs. So the conversation went something like;
“This is Dr. X, trying to reach Susie.”
This is her.
“Hey, Susie, my nurse wasn’t exactly sure what was going on or what you needed from us?”
Yeah, being honest, I’m not quite sure either…
As I briefly mentioned at one of my appointments my senior year research involves food logs, numbers, and keeping track, so I feel like I’m in a predicament… *I explained options A, B and C*
“Ooohhh, alright, now I understand.”
Yeah, I’m not even sure if a Doctor note would do anything or help. I just don’t want to email him, and him get belligerent or sassy, question me or anything.
“Well, that is kinda his problem, not yours, isn’t it? I don’t think he is going to doubt you, you have anorexia, it is a medical issue and concern. Nobody with anorexia is going to say it, even people who don’t have anorexia don’t say it.” *my doctor is kinda brutally honest and sassy…..*
True, I guess it is like a “here is what I eat… or don’t eat…”
“Tell him you had surgery, that it’s messing your diet up, and depending on how honest you want to be, just tell him you struggle with anorexia.” (I swear, if that woman could have used the term “anorexia” anymore.)
Oh, great idea, I forgot about surgery.
“I’d be more than happy to write a note explaining that you had surgery, and struggle with ongoing anorexia.” -_- “but, if I were you, I’d just be candor and tell him you suffer from anorexia. If he has a problem, that is all him, not you. I’ll write the letter and leave it up front, I’m going to be very honest, but if it says something you don’t like just let me know.”
Ok, thank you.
Well, step one was complete. Every time she said the term “anorexia” a flood of emotions hit me. Ana’s voice herself, defending, “You do not have anorexia, you are not skin and bones.” A jab of pain from the brutal honesty my doctor hit me with, a remarkable amount of stress realizing I have to do this logging all month and anger/denial, not sure if that was Ana or me, just wanting to scream, “I do not have anorexia!”
Step two was to let my professor know. I once again was tempted to rely on option A, that way if option C emerged and I was pulled into his office I would at least have a tangible note. Once again Emily said not to do that. So I hunted for every microscopic ounce of courage and humility I had to email him. I briefly expressed concern for my grade and my food logs. Even more brief, I mentioned struggling with “food related issues” and not wanting to be deducted for a poor food log.
Attached to the email was my doctor note, she had written and I had picked up that read:
To Whom it may concern:
Ms. Susie has recently gone through gallbladder surgery and also struggles with anorexia. Please be advised.
The last and final step will be to send the email to him, and see how he responds to it.