Haven’t written anything in a long time. I went out of town last week with my mom, we don’t get along ever, and she doesn’t acknowledge the existence of my eating disorder. Like everything else, if it could possibly make her look bad, then for the love of God hide it from everyone.
The other night I was flipping through my journal and came across a few entries about my outpatient appointments. “She told me, that besides my brothers and sister I don’t seem to feel anything, that I’m numb. I told her I keep busy.” After reading that it began to sink in how right she was. I’m kinda numb to my grades, numb to my work, etc. Yeah, I go to school, I generally do well, my job is a job. She was right though, I don’t like to feel. Numb means not getting hurt, not caring, keeping those walls up and trying to remain safe.
“You have to remember, when you wall others out, you wall yourself in.” -Joyce Meyer
Well hmph, not sure which is worse.
Worst of all, I’m numb to the countless doctor appointments. One appointment began a domino effect, hadn’t been to the doctor in like two years, one concerned doctor sets it all off. From appointment to blood work, then EKG, then Cardiologist, to scheduled stress test and ultra sound to a follow up appointment. More scales then I want to think about, more doctors than I like, and being open about something that I kept hidden away for years. The cardiologist had gotten paperwork from my other doctor and the moment she read the words she went straight for the throat:
“So, what’s up, what’s going on?”
“Nothing much, guess Dr. M was just concerned…”
“And the anorexia, how is that going?”
Ooooh, that was it, the blow that came to me like I had been hit by a bus. She hadn’t known, she didn’t need to know. I feel so conflicted, part of me is so numb to this it comes down to the not caring, or not believing this is serious. To have Dr. Green look me right in the face and talk about how she was concerned, people die from this, about selenium and other micronutrients that are needed, and heart problems that can come out of nowhere, and even making sure my liver was fine.
I know I need to care, and I really should, but I feel just so numb to all of this.