Between a Rock and a Hard Place, That’s Where You Will Find Me

If you are looking for me, I can be found between a rock and a hard place.

Let me first start off by saying, I work at an elementary school, and I love my kids. If someone came in and started making up lies about one of my kids and calling them names I would defend the child to the death. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone telling any of my kids they aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, whatever. Each of my kids are wonderful, exciting, beautiful, etc. Then why do I allow it to happen to myself? I look at a sunrise and think how God’s creations are beautiful, I see children and their laughter and think how great God is, if I too am one of His, why can’t I find beauty in myself?

I spend more time at the gym or beating myself up for not being good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, enough enough enough. I never stand up for myself against ED. “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.” Romans 16:20

I haven’t gone to treatment in probably about 3 months, was too expensive and stressed me out. Next week I have a doctors appointment and a dentist appointment. Part of me is glad, the other is scared and stressed out. I am going to get blood work done to check on my lactic acid levels, potassium, a whole list of things that I was advised to get checked. This is where the rock and hard place come in. I feel stuck. If all the tests come back and absolutely nothing is wrong I will feel like I cannot even have an ED correctly (going on 8 years now), at the same time, if something comes back and is really low or abnormal I have to deal with it through a doctor and not just through someone at outpatient.

It shouldn’t be this big of a deal, I am well aware of my struggle and don’t need some tests to tell me if I’m sick or not… but in all honesty, some low potassium levels wouldn’t hurt so people would believe me. “Healthy people don’t need a doctor, but sick people do. I didn’t come to call righteous people, but sinners.” Mark 2:17

“Come now, let us settle the matter, says the Lord, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow.” Isaiah 1:18